We’ve all been there. We all hope we’ll never go back. This list should help men avoid the awful, atrocious and abominable offences of men’s style and fashion.
1. The Interesting Shirt
You’re interesting, a shirt like this is not. Patterns (like these) should be reserved for SAS soldiers deep within the PNG jungle. If you think you have a place in Operation Desert Schmuck, then think again. Don’t get ‘spicy’ with your choice of shirts, I suggest taking a step back and sticking with basic colours and fine patterns. These will be something your girl (or guy) WANTS to wear the next morning.
2. Bad Dress Shoes
Choosing shoes can be a difficult task, but if you think that bargain = good, then you have it even harder. Men’s dress shoes should not look like camels feet, not should they have a sharp square toe. Take the above example – if you think this is good, then I suggest you read this article. You will soon understand that shoes women notice do not come in packs of three.
3. The Shark Tooth Necklace
So cool in 1991, even I had one. I used to rock it out with my Cross Colours / Happy Pants. This category is not limited to shark tooth necklaces, but all novelty or nature-inspired neck hanging devices. If you want to wear jewellery, keep it ultra simple- either don’t wear any or check out a guy named Johnny Ramli.
4. White Socks, Black Shoes
I shouldn’t still have to bang on about this, but guys are not listening. Whether you’re in a rush to make happy hour or get in line for a spit roast, you should never ever wear white socks with a suit or dark jeans and pants. It’s like drink driving, just don’t do it. Get a cab, get black socks and get serious.
5. Ill-Fitted Suits
No, no and a little more no. I don’t care what brand of suit you buy or even if it’s your Dad’s, you should always have a suit tailored to fit you. Whether you’re slim or a little portly, you need to embrace the fit. Remember, a suit should make you feel like a king.
6. Shit Underwear
I can’t say I’ve seen much bad underwear in my life, but I know it’s out there. If it’s on the internet, then people are buying it. Also it’s important to note that underwear has a shelf-life. As soon as you see slight wear, stains or funky odor, it’s time to send them to the big underwear draw in the sky. Underwear is cheap, so invest well.
7. Wrap Around Sunglasses
No matter how much further these go into the time/space continum, guys continue to wear them. The Prada, Dior, D&G brands seem to be the worst offenders in these wrap sunglass types. The lads who sport them… let’s not go there. It’s time to let them go and invest in some aviators.
8. Going Shirtless in Public
Even if you have a body carved by the gods (RIP Zyzz), it still doesn’t give you the right to take your shirt off at every public occasion. The girls or boys you might think you’re impressing are not the types you want to take home to meet Mum. The great tale of Bluebeard says he kept his many wives intrigued by his closet of secrets. Let your chest be one of them.
9. The Trilby
Every Spring Carnival I see guys rocking these oddball hats with their suits, so it pains me to know that you MUST have a hat to enter men’s fashions on the field. Regardless, the trilby is just a shit look. If you want to wear a hat, go baseball or panama with a beige suit. Ze plane, ze plane!
10. The Goatee
Just like Spock, you deserve to be teleported to a world far far away, where you can do no white-trash harm. Facial hair is best kept full or non-existant. Take cues from the Most Interesting Man in the World, but not Cletus.
So there you have it, you know what’s right and what’s wrong. If you’re true to manhood, you’ll avoid the above.