We all love the idea of finding ‘The One’. We imagine her (or him) in all sorts of ways: with blond hair, smart, funny and most importantly good with a vertical pole in the middle of the room. Whatever your type, there are a few golden rules to help you avoid a potential disaster.
1. Her mother is a few slices short of a loaf
Nothing says run for the hills like a mother-in-law to be who’s bat-shit crazy. Sure signs that the cheese has slid off the cracker are: 1. Bails you up to tell you that you have a firm buttocks, 2. Hits the bottle (at 11am) and gets lippy, 3. Likes to keep sanity away by blowing a daily spliff.
2. She doesn’t believe in exercise
The ‘I don’t need to exercise now that I have a boyfriend’ trick. This is a relationship killer of the highest order and it cuts both ways. Both guys and girls owe it to their partner to look after themselves and live a healthy life. So when she believes running to the pantry to get another helping of ice-cream is exercise, then it’s time for you to go for a run… a long one. (Right now she’s wondering what on earth the girl above is doing)
3. Likes to get drunk and tell you what she really thinks about you
A girl who drinks is great, they let loose and have fun, but a female who gets loaded and get lippy at every opportunity is one for the junk pile. You’ll let subtle quips pass the first few times, but it will soon become an episode of Jersey Shore.
4. She swears like a sailor
There’s nothing wrong with the odd cuss and vent, but when she’s dropping the C-Bomb while saying Grace at Christmas dinner, there’s trouble ahead. If you dream of a life where one day you may meet the Queen then the last thing you need is your girlfriend or wife calling her majesty an‘old mole’.
5. She dreams of never having to work again
Nothing says ‘You’re going to be the bread-winner’ like proclaiming that she cannot wait to give up working and put her feet up. Once she does stop working her days will be filled with lunching, sleeping-in and hassling you to earn more money. Look for ambition, not laziness. We recommend a detour as this one way street has long-term roadworks.
6. Suffers chronic ‘short arm deep pocket syndrome’
We’ve all had this happen. The bill comes and she’s miraculously disappeared to fix her make-up or do a poo. If it’s happening on the first date, it will happen forever. Nothing says run for the hills like a girl who buys clothing without pockets. “Oi! Does this come without pockets?”
7. You have nothing in common with her friends
Choosing someone with nice, normal and sociable friends is paramount. Whether you like it or not you’ll be stuck her friends forever, so either think carefully how you plan on sitting at every social occasion with a shit-eating grin on your face, or pull the ripcord now.
8. She has no issues with public nudity
The one thing that should be sacred in a relationship is what your girlfriend’s breasts look like. Your mates shouldn’t know, so if she’s cool with whipping them out at social gatherings you know you’re in for a turbulent ride. (Props to Wayne with the yellow okanui shorts in the background)
9. Thinks her birthday should be a national holiday
We all like a party but none more than her when it comes to her birthday. She starts by throwing out these wildly OTT gift ideas 6-months prior then plans on taking multiple days off work so she can get off her face with those friends you can’t stand.
10. She smokes like a chimney
Even if it’s Gucci or Chanel, nobody likes kissing an ashtray.
11. She misses being friends with her ex boyfriends
The old trick of staying close with ex boyfriends. Some guys don’t care (The Duke) and others (like me) think it’s a no no. If she breaks down while talking about how much she misses him, then excuse yourself for a bathroom break, slip out the window and down the drain pipe to freedom.