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10 Great Ways To Screw Up A First Date

Nothing beats that flutter your heart makes when you meet the women (or man) of your dreams. But nothing can bring your little fantasy world crashing down like the dreaded ‘why won’t they call me back’ neediness that being a douche can bring you. Here’s 10 ways you can avoid being Douchey McDouche.

Date Killer #1
 – Talk about your ex.
No matter how much she broke your heart or how hot she was the next Mrs Right will not be interested in the slightest. Avoid getting LJBF’d by making it clear there’s nobody else other than her.

Date Killer #2 – 
Get drunk.
You will invariably also get sloppy, and a sloppy date is a write-off. You’ll probably get a bit salivary as well, and no-one comes back from a slobbery kiss.

Date Killer #3 – Avoid Being awkward and silent.

Keep away from the mundane. Instead of discussing where you both went to school, ask her to tell you a couple of random things about her, or throw in the story about the time you cooked a roast dinner on a bin lid. If she has more to her than a potato with hair, you’ll both end up steering the convo in some pretty different and more remarkable directions than usual.

Date Killer #4 –
 Being a tight-ass
Now this might sound like I’m a Russian bride in for a green card, but don’t make her pay on the first date. Hear me out. I’m not saying we females are in it for the gems (although if your skin has the tautness of a prune and your lady date is 19, she ain’t with you for your tight buns)- I’m just saying that you are, in all likelihood, the one who asked to take her out for dinner or drinks in the first place, and by being smooth about it everyone avoids the awkwardness that can ensue.

Date Killer #5 –
 Text or talk on your phone.
If she’s off to the bathroom then you’re ok, but there is nothing ruder than taking a call in the middle of dinner, especially a first date! You’re there to talk to her, not entertain her with half a conversation about how epically your mate scored last night.

Date Killer #6 –
 Talk about either all you, or all her.
If you wax lyrical about your workout regime and brand of protein powder, not only will you sound like a complete wanker, you probably are a complete wanker. Contrarily, while asking questions is a big plus, don’t sit there silently while she natters away about her BFFs and their love lives- she will feel like a bit of an eejit herself after that, so keep things equal and varied.

Date Killer #7 –
Don’t have any bad smells or grooming.
This means breath, general odours, nails, no dry flakes of skin swinging about. I’m not having a go at you rough and ready fellows, I’m just saying that she’ll feel nice that you made an effort for her. On the other hand, don’t be too polished- the female should always be the prettier person on the date. We’re after a man, not a wax figurine with a better manicure than us. Just a clean man.

Date Killer #8 –
Do not ogle anyone but your date. And by all means, ogle her. I don’t care how much women say they hate being objectified, every female wants to be looked at appreciatively, and complimented. She wants to know you’re pretty impressed with what you see- just be subtle about it, don’t look her over like a meat tray you’re considering buying raffle tickets for.

Date Killer #9 –
Jumping Her
Don’t jump her or try to get her to touch your John Thomas. Just be a gentleman- if you’re after a night of passion and are getting nostalgic for an STD, go to a nightclub or train station. Kiss her like a man who lumberjacks on the weekends but leave it there. Well, perhaps some heavy petting if the occasion calls for it, but no pants action.

Date Killer #10 –
I don’t care if they bring you a Merlot instead of a Shiraz, keep the hurt and bewilderment inside. Never weep.


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29 Nov, 2012

Anna Curran