Vices / Special Features

10 Things Women Notice First About Men

We’ve noticed more young men reading D’Marge, which is fantastic. So it’s important that they have a strong male role model in the years they’re courting the opposite (or same) sex. What better role model than a thirty something year old lippy redheadded gent. Here are 10 things women first notice about you, before you’ve even got to first base.


1. The way you shake her hand

It’s excusable if you may not know how to kiss a girl, but if your handshake resembles a wet fish then you’ll never get to first base. Unless you’re Italian then we recommend not kissing a girl when you meet her, rather offer a respectable handshake. Don’t crush her hand, rather grasp it firmly and with intent that you’re a whole lot of hunka hunka burning love.


2. What’s down below – Your shoes
My older sister always told me, “Girls notice nice shoes”. So do away with those Dunlop Volleys, put your sneakers in the wash and go out and invest in some nice disco tappers. If you scare her away with a bad shoes buzz, then you’ll be kicking yourself (pun intended).


3. The Way You Get Down: On the dancefloor

Two words: Patrick Swayze. How you move on the dance-floor tells a woman how you’ll move in the bedroom. If you’re puffed before the first chorus, or jump around like a jack rabbit then you’re dead in the water. Keep it cool and clean (no grinding please) and you’ll be past gate #3.


4. How you move through a crowded room

Waving to her like you’re being electrocuted is no way to signal you’ve arrived. Nor is pushing people out of the way to reach bar. Rather command a presence by walking through the room with a relaxed aire that says “I may have ridden a horse here, but you’ll have to buy me a drink to find out.” We recommend a gentle saunter.


5. Manners

Good manners is NOT letting her pay for everything. Fair is fair, women go through childbirth, we pick up the tab occasionally. Seriously though, be grateful she’s given you the time of day. Don’t be a suck and remember which is the knife, the fork and the location of the front door when she politely asks you to fuck off.


6. Your Eyes

Your eyes are the window to your soul so anything you’re thinking, she’s picking up on. Looking at her like a steak? She knows what that means. Glaring at her like she just pooped on the carpet? No chance, buster. Be a man who’s happy to look directly at her and not be distracted by other women or bright shinny objects.


7. Your mouth was made for kissing
You wouldn’t jump into the IKEA ball pit if it were full of snakes? Nor would a women dive in for a kiss if your gob was dry and crackly, or overly salivary, or yellow, or full of ash. You might laugh at me, but a pack of mints and some lip balm is a man’s best friend when out on the town.


8. How you are with kids

We don’t recommend taking kids to bars or nightclubs, but if you’re at a kid friendly social gathering then act appropriately… because she may be watching. You don’t need to gush about how you cannot wait to have kids, instead show interest and avoid recoiling in horror if they put their sticky hands ON MY GOD DAMN NEW GUCCI CHINOS!


9. Strong forearms

Women tell me that “forearms under rolled up shirt sleeves are attractive and masculine”. Yes that’s right, Popeye looks like he’ll finally make the Vanity Fair 100 Most Beautiful People list. There’s no need to be Arnie, but give the dumbbells a go every once in a while and it will hopefully be noticed.


10. How you act when she gets hit on by other guys

Now this is a tricky situation. Play it too cool, and she’ll think you’re not interested, however play it like a possessed jealous asshole and you’ll earn a restraining order. The truth is, you’ll be wanting to get Game of Thrones on the guy, but it’s best to appear confident and friendly. You don’t want to sound warning bells before you’ve got to know her, becuase crazy don’t wash off.

8 Jun, 2013

Luc Wiesman

Founder and Managing Editor