10 Signs You May Be A Wanker

We spoke to the D’Marge community and got their suggestions on what qualifies as wanker behaviour (that’s “douchebag behaviour,” to those of you joining us from the US). I must admit, I have been guilty of a couple of these in my life. So yes, technically I am a wanker too, but I accept this, mended my ways and will now show others the guiding light.

#1 You speed off when in front of restaurants and cafes

This is a personal favourite. Guys who say goodbye to friends and jump in their cars and speed off on purpose. Mate, we know you have a right foot and you know how to drive fast, but this only makes you look like a massive bell-end. Chill, Speedy.

#2 You update your Facebook status with new shit that you’ve bought

Love this. So wanky. Guys who like to announce to the world that they have just purchased something new and everyone needs to know about it. If it’s cool, people will find out anyway. Stop taking photos of your business class boarding pass, new scooter or rented Ferrari.

#3 You’re on Wikipedia and you want people to know it

In the new digital age, some people actually have Wikipedia pages. Unfortunately, they also like showing off their Wikipedia pages. Like Fight Club, talking about your Wiki page is no-no. Leave it to the trolls to update on your behalf and enjoy the fact that people may or may not know that you’re a prominent pleb.

#4 You only upload photos of you and ‘chicks’ on Facebook

They’re not woman, man. They’re chicks and you love to boost your social proof by flaunting how many you have. You’re most probably a wannabe nightclub photographer or the town sociopath. Maybe even both.

#5 You’re unnecessarily loud and enjoy high-fiving your mates when you greet them

This one has jock-turned-wanker written all over it. You lack tact and poise and want everyone to know that your awesome self has arrived. Keep the high five for the bowling lanes and turn down the bloody volume.

#6 You talk in the third person

When business is good Luc likes to write in his blog. You know Luc likes it when you do that. Luc needs to poop. Luc hopes you get the picture.

#7 You happily tell people you meet how much money you earn, booze you can drink or drugs you take

Let’s be honest: you’re awesome and you know how to be more awesome than most. You’ll tell everyone just how hard you go and that you’re more than happy to be ridden hard and put away wet. Keep the shit talk for in front of the mirror.

#8 You’re a bit of a c*nt when you meet new people

Pet hate right here – guys you meet who are aloof on purpose as if they’re sizing you up. Your behavior is noted and word soon gets out that you’re a battler.

#9 You like to wear your polo shirts with the collars popped

You’ve missed the fashion bus. It departed a decade ago. Rather than wear a polo shirt like a normal person you would rather pop that shit. Even if you own a 100 foot yacht this is still not acceptable.

#10 Johnnie Blue at the bar

Don’t get me wrong. Johnnie Walker Blue Label rocks, but ordering at the bar then letting everyone know you have just ordered some ‘Johnnie Blue’ is a dick move. Same goes for guys who will ONLY drink Grey Goose. Get off it, Kanye. (p.s. David Gandy is allowed to order Johnnie)

Enjoy that? Check out Part 2 of Signs You May Be A Wanker

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