Almost a Gentleman’s Guide to the Brownlow Medal Awards

If you’re an international reader of D’Marge then you’re probably thinking “what the hell is a Brownlow and will she slap me if I try it on her”.. Never fear, it’s the equivalent of whatever awards night you have for Premier League, NFL, etc. The Brownlow Awards are where Australia’s most talented footballers come together to celebrate the player who showed the most ticker and picked up the most girls throughout the season. This is our 10 step guide to almost being a gentleman on the evening.

1. Choosing a Tux

Yes, this is the one time in your life you’ll be required to wear a Tuxedo. It’s like a suit, only it makes you look a little more like James Bond and a little less like a cro-magnon man. Our rule of thumb is simple: never hire a tuxedo, instead take the time to get fitted for one by someone like Hugo Boss. It may cost you $1,500 (about the same as a night at the Daily Planet) but you’ll wear it for many Brownlow Medals to come. Note: Black or dark navy blue tuxedos only.

2. Choosing a shirt / tie

If you’re going to be that dashing man that makes the girls coo, then we recommend throwing caution to the wind and wearing a bow-tie. Too often we see guys wearing a basic black tie and it looks all to common. Keep it simple. Small and black on crisp and white. Note: By the end of the night you’ll have more food on the shirt than the plate, but by then nobody cares.  

3. Choosing a date

Possibly the hardest of all to get right. Your date should be a symbol of your sporting and athletic prowess. She should not be a girl you recently ‘boned’ at the local pub after Mad Monday. Ideally you want a lady who makes all your team mates jealous as hell. You want them to think you’re punching well above your weight. A nod to Mr Judd. Now there’s a man who’s swinging.

4. Choosing your date’s dress

Yes, as the official invite holder of the Brownlow Awards ticket, you get to ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ what your date will be wearing. In a country where Gucci, Dior and Jimmy Choo don’t send dresses to dates, the women will often go to stores like Gasp and Supré, and will most definitely end up looking like Chesmarelda ‘The Easy’ from Epping. If you’re going to take her, then have the decency to go and buy her a dress from someone classy like Collette Dinigan.

5. Choosing a mode of transport

Unless you’re 18 and missed your high school formal, then a stretched limousine is not the option for your arrival to the night of nights. Neither is a push bike. Splash out and get yourself someone classy like an executive Audi, BMW or Mercedes. Nothing stretched, just stick to your high-flying drug dealer model. You’ll enjoy not having to get into a kebab/vomit-riddled taxi and you’ll arrive in style.

6. How to conduct yourself on the red, blue, black or puce carpet

Nobody likes a show-off… unless you’re that delightful Brendan Fevola lad. So keep your trap shut, the high five in its holster, and for gods sake smile when they take your photo- you’re not at a funeral. Well you are… of class and decency but we’re trying to change that.

7. How to act when on camera 

You may have been in the spotlight all year on the field, but it’s not the same when you’re at a swank function so it’s important to not be an imbecile.  Refrain from the V, gang signs, going cross-eyed, poking your tongue out, or being seen Tweeting how ‘balls’ you think the event is.

8. How one should act when receiving Brownlow votes

While I may never have won anything other than a raffle at the local RSL, I think I can imagine the rush of hearing one’s name called out over the official gold-encrusted Brownlow PA. If it does get called out, please refrain from the following: 1. Clapping for yourself, 2. Throwing breadrolls, 3. Ruffing up your team mates hair. We recommend a simple smile and quietly reminding your date that with every vote, she’s one step closer to a mighty roggering after the ceremony’s proceedings.

9. How to act when you win. 

Yeah baby. You’ve done it. You’ve beaten Judd, Ablett, Bartell and the other guys. Now all you need to do is give a great acceptance speech and you’re done. Start by quickly kissing your date / wife / girlfriend and remind her of that mighty post-ceremony roggering you promised.  Keep it short, thank your team mates, then your family (Mum always comes first, or Dad if Mum used to beat you), thank the AFL for making so much money, then Eddie McGuire (or he’ll come after you). Try not to be witty, as it usually comes naturally after 10 beers. Well done son!

10. Getting out alive and getting home

The night is done and much fun and frivolity has been had. It’s time to leave the venue with as much grace and poise as possible. We recommend leaving via the fire escape as there will be no waiting papps or TV cameras. If you’re smart you will have left at half-time, however for those who stay on until the wee hours, then the infamous Crown taxi rank is what you get to look forward to. If it’s all too hard just bust out the Visa and get a room and stay the night. A buffet breakfast is complimentary.

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