If I could share with you the amount of monumental screw ups both my friends and I have made in our dating lives, you would be entertained for hours but you could probably write a short book. Based on these idiotic experiences, here are nine things which I’ve now learnt (at thirty something) to never say to a girlfriend.
“You are tubby / plump / portly” or anything otherwise
Like the airspace over Iran, commenting on a females weight is a relationship no fly zone. I assumed we’ve all been there… but apparently not. The weight debate should never be entered. Calling her ‘plump’ in an effort to not call her fat never works and she’s likely to never forgive or forget. We recommend knowing the meaning of the words you’re about to use.
What she’s wearing or how she looks is “fine”
It’s only just dawned on me that ‘fine’ is probably the worst word in a man’s vocabulary when it comes to how your girlfriend looks. And trust me, women never want to be told they look ‘fine’. Riding a bike on a sunny day is fine and their grandmothers soap on a rope is also fine. Pick words that are a little more dynamic and you’ll make her day.
Mentioning that “one of her friends is attractive”
You might be speaking the truth but your girlfriend does not want to know you think her friends are better looking than she is. Say this and expect said friend to go bye bye. Thankfully for me by best friend is a gap toothed weasel, so there’s no chance of my girlfriend running off with him.
Telling her “I don’t like your friends (or parents)”
Nothing creates a healthy bit of unbearable tension like telling your girlfriend that you think her friends all suck. It’s a high possibility that they do suck and will continue to do so, however it should never be said. Instead maybe find another girlfriend who’s doesn’t choose the village idiot as her bestie.
“You need plastic surgery”
A good friend loves the idea of changing his girlfriends. I think he sees them as second hand cars. “Give them a tune up, some panel beaing and she’ll be good to go.” Suggesting to your better half that physical things need to change is best avoided. That includes boobs, lips, etc.
Saying nothing at all…
Learnt this one the hard way. As much as you think she only wants someone to listen to her, at some point your girlfriend will want to get some constructive feedback from you. Being mute will only make her want to scratch your eyes out. We recommend saying the right thing at the right time, however we’re yet to find out what that is.
“You have too many cats”
A wise man once said that “there’s a man out there for every woman but in your case that man is five cats”. If she’s got a love of cats, dogs or any other critter, it’s best to not share your concern of their growing numbers. Simply run.
“You’re a messy drunk”
Just like when Homer Simpson thinks back to his behaviour at the house party, your girlfriend will have a completely different picture of how she behaves when she’s drunk. Happy, funny and loved by all. We all know this is not the case, but if you would like to avoid WW3 then avoid telling her the truth.
“You probably shouldn’t eat that”
Back on the chunky train we have the gentle guidance of telling her that she probably shouldn’t eat that. Even is she’s about to punch down a 4kg Toblerone chocolate bar or eat a block of cheese for dinner, it’s advised you don’t comment on her food consumption. It will only incur her wraith and make for an evening of playing the ‘guess why I’m angry game’.