For a lucky few, cool just happens. For the rest of us, cool is a careful calculation. We try our best to maintain the very highest levels of sophistication and smoothness, but every once in a while life sees fit to puncture our inflated ego balloons with the sharp end of the embarrassment needle. At times like these, cool is just not an option:
1. Using the cross trainer at the gym.
“Damn, he looks like a beast on that cross trainer!” said no one ever. Sorry, guys, but there is probably nothing in the gym that looks dumber than attempting to ski and run at the same while bobbing up and down like a buoy on a lake. Even Chuck Norris couldn’t make that workout look badass.
2. Trying to enter a busy restaurant through the wrong door.
Nothing ruins your suave image like yanking furiously at a locked door, with an audience of bemused restaurant-goers watching through the windows, while other guests stroll up and walk straight through the proper entrance. Double points (or is that double negative points?) if you’re trying to open the door for a date. The only thing less cool than You vs. Door is Justin Bieber vs. Door.
3. Wearing a onesie in public.
Are you an adorable toddler? Are you a 20-something hot chick? Are you one of the lads from One Direction? No? Then for the love of God, do not slip your feet into that onesie. We don’t care how famous you are – or how famous you are in your own head – this is not a good look. You might as well just put on a Snuggie and be done with it.
4. Breaking wind in front of work colleagues.
Everyone has heard of the power suit, but there is no such thing as the power fart. It’s just impossible to pull this one off, no matter now sly you think you’re being. If you clear your throat, your colleagues know. If you cough or move around in your chair, they know. If you do the lean-to-the-side-to-let-it-escape, they know. And suddenly everyone is going to have a reason to be at your desk at that exact moment.
5. Running out of petrol.
The natural male instinct is to fix things, so the embarrassment of running out of petrol while on the road crushes the ego like a ton of metaphorical bricks. Is it worse to sit helplessly by the side of the road and play games on your iPhone until assistance arrives? Or is it worse to be seen rolling up your sleeves and pushing your impaired auto to safety? Either way, coolness is out of the question.
6. Owning a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.
See this? You can hand it over now. Getting your kink on is cool, but learning how to do it from the most poorly written book of the 21st century is not. And did you know that Fifty Shades of Grey got its start as a work of Twilight fan fiction? Normally we’re not in favour of book burnings, but killing it with fire seems like the only sensible approach.
7. Saying life affirmations when you wake up, then telling people about it.
Plenty of people report experiencing major life transformations as a result of saying morning affirmations. It’s hard to argue with anything that has a positive impact on your life, but we can definitely argue with the “reporting” part. We’re happy for you, we really are. We just want to hear that you tell your reflection how handsome and strong it is every morning before breakfast.
8. Wearing high-vis gear.
If you’re dressing up for a lady friend who has a thing for firefighters and construction workers, we’ll let this one slide. If you’re a night-time motorcyclist or bike rider with a genuine need for greater visibility in the dark, you get a pass. Otherwise, there is just no way you’re going to be able to pull this one off. Save the fluorescent clothing for the cracked out kids at raves and music festivals.
9. Telling people you met your partner on the Internet.
We’re not here to rain on your love parade. We’re psyched that you found someone, we really are. It’s just that you’re never going to look cool telling people that you met because you liked her bathroom selfie and ability to use proper punctuation. The obvious solution? Make up an insane origin story that involves rescuing her (and maybe a puppy) from a burning building.
10. Demonstrating you know the difference between Edward and Jacob.
Have no idea what we’re talking about? Good. Know exactly what we’re talking about? It’s probably time to rethink some life choices. Know exactly what we’re talking about and have an actual opinion on the matter? Rethink those life choices and check yourself into sparkle-addiction rehab stat.
Thanks to Sean Sammin for his help on this!