Resident dating expert, Chris Manak gives his take on the on yee old saying of ‘nice guys finish last’. Could we have been wrong all this time? Chris explains…
Attributing a man’s lack of success with women to him being nice is like blaming fire fighters for a blaze simply because they are at the scene of the crime. ‘Niceness’ is present along with other traits, and it’s more these other traits, in my humble opinion, which are the real cause of the lack of success.
Think of the nice guy …
No, don’t think of some nice person that you know who happens to be male, think of the cliché nice guy, i.e. the guy most often at the center of this eternal “He’s nice BUT …” dating chestnut.
Typically, he is the type that won’t ever disagree with a woman of interest, regardless of whatever waffle she may be talking about; he definitely wouldn’t tease her and give her the same shit that her actual friends would; he will not call her out on her bullshit, even if she is being dramatic; he most definitely wouldn’t mention other women of interest in his life (likely because there are none), etc.
The end result is somewhat of a shell of a person. An accommodating yes-man with no depth, no excitement, no charm, no life of his own. There is no tension, no sexual excitement. I’m certainly not hating on the nice guy, as above all, I know that it’s about one thing – self-worth.
Deep down, the nice guy just doesn’t feel he is worthy of the girl. She is more attractive than him, more popular than him; he couldn’t possibly offer her anything from his place of low value … at least in his mind. His vibe, actions and attitude are basically all saying one thing – that she is better than him. So, he accommodates her, leading her to label him an “incredibly nice guy”, the sentence inevitably being followed with “but …”
What she doesn’t want …
She doesn’t want someone to agree with everything that she is saying; she wants to have a conversation with someone with a mind of his own. She doesn’t want someone to be at her beck and call; like so many of us, she just wants a laugh, even if it’s at herself. She doesn’t want some desperate guy falling in love with her at the drop of a hat; she wants a MAN who is going about his way in life, a leader who is inviting her along for the ride.
The case for so many nice guys is that they’re living in scarcity, so they cling to the first glimmer of hope. And they’re simply, too agreeable. Some would debate that this is more manipulative than their bad boy counterparts, since they’re not being real or honest. Women can become objects of the nice guy’s pedestaling, and ultimately feel obligated to be as nice and accommodating, to tread lightly and to deliver her information selectively so as to not offend or hurt her buddy (whom she very much knows has a thing for her). She does not want a guy, friend or otherwise, that she has to worry about hurting with every small decision that she makes.
Ultimately – the nice guy is just not very exciting to be around.
The bullet in the head of nice guys – entitlement
How often do you see a guy complaining about women only wanting bad boys, arseholes, jerks, and not him? After all – he is a nice guy! “What is wrong with them?” – he might ask. When a man reaches this point, he can pretty much bid farewell to any shred of female respect that he may have had left.
Women are not repelled because he is a nice; they are repelled because his neediness is overshadowing EVERYTHING else. It tells her in no uncertain terms “I am a pussy, and rather than grow and develop into a better, stronger version of myself, I want the world to bend to my pussy ways”
This is the single biggest thing that stops so many ‘nice’ guys from getting much interest from women.
The take home message …
It’s NOT the trait of being nice that is keeping the women away from the typical nice guy, it’s what’s going on underneath. It’s his lack of self-worth, his scarcity, and/or his entitlement.
Millions of nice guys the world over are dating fantastic women, however they differ from our cliché nice chap by valuing themselves, by pursuing their lives, by having a backbone, by having perspective and by being real and honest with the women in their lives. They do not pedestal women; instead, simply treat them like the human beings that they are, and wish to be treated as.