Ah, Christmas. A time of merriment, peace, love, joy, generosity, and…complete arseholery.
Although the proper yuletide spirit fills most of our hearts at this time of year, there are those who persist in being pests. In fact, Christmas is the perfect time for the jerks to up their Grinchy game. With so many pressures and obligations weighing on people around the holidays, everyone is primed and ready for a complete nervous breakdown if prompted by the right seasonal Scrooge.
Do you know one of these Xmas offenders? Are you one? Brush up on the 12 jerks on Christmas and swear to Santa you won’t be earning yourself a place on the naughty list this year.
#1 The Present Forgetter
You know this guy. You may have even been this guy. He waits until the last possible second to pick up presents (if he does it at all), which usually means stopping into a 7-11 on the way to the Christmas party. Because what the nieces and nephews really want this year is flashlight keychains and a Slurpee Jar. Alternatively, he belatedly buys expensive shit no one wants to make up for his earlier idiocy. Somehow the Slurpee Jar sounded better.
#2 The Big Night Before Guy
The first step is admitting you have a problem, so…yeah, I’ve been here. But that doesn’t make it ok. This man decides that the night before the big family dinner is the perfect time to see how many different kinds of gin he can drink in one sitting. He stumbles home, barely manages to nap and dress himself in time for the big gathering, and proceeds to spend all of it snoring on the couch. Life of the party.
#3 The Too Cool To Participate Guy
Possibly the only thing worse than the guy who unintentionally cannot partake in the festivities is this jackass: the guy who wilfully refuses to participate because he thinks carols and Christmas crackers are beneath him. He’s most likely found skulking in the corner of the room, with Avicii blasting in his Beats by Dre headphones. Pray for a Christmas miracle and maybe one day he’ll grow out of his apathy.
#4 The Sleazy Office Dude
No office would be complete without this man but please, for the love of St. Nick, do not let it be you. The office creep believes he does his ‘best work’ at the office Xmas party and it will be a sickening sight for all unfortunate enough to be involved. He may seem perfectly normal on the average day, but as soon as he’s got a few drinks in him, he’s a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
#5 The Festive Enforcer
Curb your enthusiasm, please. This Christmas-tree-in-human-form has turned his holiday cheer up to eleven and expects everyone around him to do the same. He’s probably the first to suggest an ugly holiday sweater party with a contest he knows he’s going to win. Ugh. Fuck you and your cheesy knitwear, Festive Enforcer. I’m going to suffocate you with it when you pass out on eggnog.
#6 The Drunk Uncle
Uncle Kevin from Tennant Creek likes to hit the sip and get lippy with everyone at the table. Nothing and no one is safe from his offensive onslaught. Expect lots of ‘Back in my day’ diatribes and ominous warnings about ‘Kids these days.’ It’s guaranteed that at least one guest will end the night so enraged they swear never to return. Sadly, that guest is never the Drunk Uncle.
#7 The Stingy Boss
It’s not that the Jelly of the Month club doesn’t sound delicious, but at least go for the Jelly of the Month club and the Christmas bonus. There’s no excuse for pumping 12 months of hard work out of your employees, only to acknowledge their efforts at the end of the year with a cookie-cutter holiday card you couldn’t even be bothered to sign. If you need a reminder of how this terrible decision can go awry, it’s time for a re-watch of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
#8 The Needy Present Giver
The ego is a fragile thing, but come Christmas it’s time to tuck it away. Gifting giving is not about you and your infantile need for constant validation. Maybe they love your gift. Maybe they hate your gift. Either way, there’s no excuse for badgering them into telling you how they feel about it. This is a nihilistic, uncertain world and you’re just going to have to get used to it. Drink yourself into an eggnog stupor if that’s what it takes to keep your trap shut.
#9 The Ungrateful Sod
On the other hand, there’s no excuse for this guy either. It’s hard for the day to be merry and bright when this jerk is telling everyone off for their underwhelming presents. I’ve been guilty of this one, sorry not sorry. Underwear? Candles? Nope, I don’t want any of it, and I have no problem telling you how much I dislike your gifts and you.
#10 The Unhelpful Guy
This one isn’t there to help, he’s just there to look good. And by “look good,” I mean “sit on his duff while others wait on him hand and foot.” He is to your guestlist what tinsel is to your Christmas tree: an epic pain-in-the-arse to deal with that you’re thrilled to pack away at the end of the season, blessedly not to be seen again for another 12 months. At least the mess tinsel leaves behind is sparkly.
#11 The Weird Relative
It’s been 5 years since you’ve seen them. They say you’ve grown. You haven’t. They’ve just shrunk. Yes, the entire family thinks they may be a sex pest. Need we say more?
#12 The Spoilt Brat
He’s got the bike, he’s got the Jet Hopper, and all he wants to do is bust your balls for more presents. The Spoilt Brat is a bad nut of the first degree who deserves nothing more than to be chucked down a garbage chute by a herd of trained squirrels. But, barring that, a day spent outside with Hugo the dog should do the trick.
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