The Playbook For The Modern Man

How To Make A Billion Dollars In Business

Making a billion dollars in business is easy.

I haven’t done it yet, but I could. Basically, all you need is demand for a product or service and you’ll be on your way to easy money.

So here are some brand new business ventures that could make you a billion dollars. You can thank me later from your super yacht.


Wake Up Business

Most adults have a job and need to wake up…so there is demand for “wake up” products. Alarm clocks are austere and iPhone’s can’t be trusted, so say hello to “Wake Up Business” (working title).

The “wake up business” sends real people to your house (you give them a spare key) and they wake you up, thus ensuring you never sleep in again. The business is dependant on finding the best “waker-uppers” in the world and also making sure that they are not murderers.

Black Market Solariums


To my shock horror, solariums are now banned in much of Australia, so there is huge demand for solariums. I propose ‘black market solariums’, where you can meet a solarium dealer in an alley and get a sweet hit of Vitamin D.

Note: When calling the Vitamin D dealers, make sure it’s the “sun” type…I called a Vitamin D dealer once and a guy turned up to my house without a solarium, and he was completely naked.

Yakult Business


Yakult is a fermented milk drink that comes in 65ml containers. The good bacteria are bloody delicious, and 65ml is never enough. Once again, there is “demand” for a product, and in the case, it’s demand for more Yakult.

I propose buying the rights to Yakult and turning the 65ml variety into a 600ml Yakult experience. Doctors advise that anyone who buys “The Yakult experience” should also wear a nappy.


Turn Your Body Into Wi-Fi


This is a new concept and one I haven’t put too much thought into, but I’m sure you will agree it’s a winner. It involves inserting a modem into your body and effectively becoming a Wi-Fi hotspot.

I can assure you, it’s pretty safe, and I can do the operation for you (my Dad is a Doctor so I am basically a doctor). You make money by charging people for the Wi-Fi password, plus you will gain new friends because people love Wi-Fi.

Sell Domestic Possums 


Cats are popular, so why not train possums and sell them as pets? You find them in the wild, you train them, and sell them for $200 a possum. Easy like Pokémon.

Poached Eggs Business


There’s huge demand for breakfast at cafes, but it’s too cluttered, and the big problem is that nobody “owns” poached eggs. Furthermore some cafes overcook poached eggs…this is unacceptable; most people love their poached eggs runny because it’s a free sauce.

So I propose a cafe called “poached eggs” and all you serve is poached eggs. Your motto is “poached eggs the way you want ’em or ya money back”. You will OWN poached eggs, and you can franchise this business.

Become A Model With A Difference


Everyone wants to be a model for Victoria’s Secret and other sexy brands, but how about being the face for unsexy brands…you could be the face of “cold and flu” tablets or the face of STD’s? I’m just throwing ideas out there, but you could make a billion dollars.


Develop A Vaccination For Bad Driving


There are some bad drivers out there…right? I have spoken to some scientists about this, and they think it’s a good idea. All YOU need to do is develop an injection that will make the worst driver into a formula one driver.

To be fair, the scientist told me realistically, we are 5 years away from this one, but you could sell the vaccine (recipe) for a billion dollars.

Join The Newspaper Game


Fitness First Gyms give members free Herald Sun newspapers everyday. So join the gym and collect as many newspapers as you can.

You might need a disguise and potentially buy several memberships. However, you are now in the newspaper game and can sell each newspaper for 70c (and even more on weekends). That’s clean profit you can put towards your next pair of leather chaps.

The Closing Act

Good luck, making a billion dollars in business has never been easier.

Ash Williams is a comedian, writer and host. You can follow his Instagram@ashwilliams1. He promises to like all of your pics.


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