Here’s the scenario: you’ve wined and dined a delightful dame all the way back to your pad and things are heating up. You move to the bedroom and an awkward hush descends upon the room as she eyes your tragic bed sheets and loses any interest in joining you under the stained/ripped/ancient bits of cloth you consider bed linen.
Believe it or not, women tend to view the bed as a place for more than just sleep and sex. A serene, tranquil space for reading and movie nights, with amorous interludes, are more her style, so indulge the lady and, in turn, yourself.
If you’ve ever experienced ‘sheet shame’, D’Marge is here to help. We’ve rounded up some tips and tactics to overhaul your bedroom feng shui and avoid the dreaded last-minute bedroom retreat.
Ditch the daggy doona and floral fitted sheets your mum gave you when you first moved out of home – it reeks of immaturity. We suggest you bin them all immediately and start with a clean slate. That way there’s no chance of being caught out during a slow washing month.
At first glance, bed linen can seem outrageously expensive, and for that reason cheaper, low-quality alternatives are tempting. Resist the urge not to splurge; just because you can’t feel the difference between a lousy blend and high thread count, she definitely will. Also, sheets aren’t a household item you need to buy regularly – every few years is about right – so your monetary outlay is quantitatively affordable.
Simplify the whole bedding debacle and buy a sheet set that includes a fitted (and top) sheet, a doona cover and a pair of pillowcases. This course of action ensures you’ll have a matching, well-put together bed that appears neat and, most importantly, clean!
A good rule of thumb is to have three or four of bedding sets so you can rotate them as necessary and always have a backup set or two at hand. This also adds to the longevity of your sheets, as they’ll be out of action and resting their delicate threads as often as they hold your weight.
Heading out for a big night? Try to avoid mixing elements from different bedding sets; she’ll notice and judge accordingly.
Mother Knows Best
We don’t mean to sound like your mum, but, make your bed! If you should find a lady in your abode at the end of the night, it will add to your appeal as a well put-together gentleman.
When To Buy New Sheets
Not sure when to get a new set of sheets? Err on the side of caution and invest in some new threads if:
You can’t remember the last time you bought bed linen
Your sheets are grey, but were white when you first purchased them
The edges are so ratty it makes your dog’s bed look luxurious
Your mum asks if you need any extra summer/winter sheets
Stains are noticeable
Say No To Silk And Satin
No matter how sexy you think it’ll be, silk and satin should never cover your bed. They’re tacky, clingy and will make your bedroom look like a dodgy porn set.
Sleep Like An Egyptian
High thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are more expensive than cheaper options because they retain colour and texture far longer, and they actually get better with age. Once you go Egyptian, you never go back!
Additionally, high thread-count linen can last a lifetime when treated well and cleaned regularly. Some unscrupulous manufacturers are known to rig their thread count, making it necessary to do some homework before handing over any cash.
Classic shades like white, khaki and grey are always stylish. Stay away from busy, gaudy prints as these won’t be versatile if you decide to redecorate.
You’d never wear the same shirt for three months, so why do we think it’s okay to sleep on the same sheets for an indefinite length of time? Night sweats and other fluids accumulate quickly, so throw your sheets in the washing machine every other week, and the doona at least once a month. There’s nothing better than the feeling – and smell – of fresh sheets, and the only thing stopping you from enjoying it is your laundry laziness.
Captain Obvious suggests you canoodle under flannel sheets in cooler months and make love under lightweight sheets the rest of the year. Whatever the season, buy 100 per cent cotton sheets (with a long weave) and add a blanket or throw to the end of the bed for added warmth and sophistication.
Poly blends might be cheaper, but they also increase your tendency to sweat during the night, which isn’t the biggest turn on. Sleep and play under breathable cotton sheets instead.
Don’t Forget The Pillows
Nothing undermines thoughtful bedding efforts like old, sweat-stained pillows. Wash pillows every month and buy new ones once a year.