Let’s face it. No man ever wants to break up with someone. Unfortunately life isn’t always about shooting sunshine and rainbows from one’s posterior and tough decisions have to be made when it comes to manning up and making the call when she’s not the one.
The grace in which a relationship ends is however entirely up to you. Do it right and don’t be a textbook douche. These are the eight ways to end a relationship like a magnificent (and empathetic) bastard.
End It Face To Face
The only friendly ghost in this world is named Casper. And your name is not Casper, so stop ghosting your soon-to-be-ex and just man up. Don’t let the conveniences of instant communication these days sway you either as it doesn’t give you a free pass to breaking up with someone via phone, text, Snapchat, Pokemon Go, or any other means of non-face-to-face communication. The power of screenshotting is strong these days and unless you want to build a bad reputation for yourself (or become a meme) for ending it like a coward, then do it right the first time.
Make Sure It’s What You Want
You’d be surprised how often guys end a relationship only to realise that they had no idea why they did it in the first place. In these scenarios it’s usually a case of overreacting and pulling the trigger too early. A bit of pre-composure, common sense and a night to cool off after an argument or incident is all it takes to resolve. If you’re leaving a current partner to pursue another then be ready for WW3 with little hopes of reconciliation down the line with the former. And no, you can’t ‘Super Like’ them when they show up on Tinder.
Don’t Do It In Public
Some have argued that a public setting for a break up often prevents the dumpee from flipping out, but this could be a double-edged sword. If the party does decide to flip out regardless then you’ve officially got a meltdown on your hands – a crying, sobbing, cursing mess hurling abuse at you in front of a many children (will someone think of the children?) Do it at a popular park with less people if you must or in a car outside their place – this makes for an easy exit.
Be Honest, Not An Honest Asshole
Every parting couple deserves honesty whether it be a good or bad reason. Thinking that you’ll save the other person heartache by hiding the truth from them will only do more damage in the long term. Having said that, it should be succinct and to the point, none of this, “I can’t accept the fact that your left thigh is bigger than your right. And you have pointy elbows.” You might not have a relationship anymore but you’ll certainly have the respect, a trait every man needs.
Stay Strong In The Aftermath
There will no doubt be water works after a breakup and it’s your job as a man not to succumb to them out of guilt. You made the call for a reason so make sure you don’t relapse into relationship mode unless the circumstances clearly change for the better. In the case of women, she may be shocked at first due to their emotional nature but they’re resilient beings too. Remain steadfast in your decision and talk to her with calm and respect if she reaches out and reinstate the line in the sand as required.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
This follows closely with honesty but focuses more on the cliched reasoning of “it’s not you, it’s me”. C’mon, of course it’s them. It’s your perception of them. Otherwise you’d be rolling around in a bed of roses together. Dropping this line is simply a cop out excuse and will leave the other party both devastated and confused. They have enough to deal with being just devastated so don’t say it unless you want them to manifest into a stalker.
We Can Still Be Friends
No. You cannot. Dolling out breadcrumbs is only a means of alleviating your own guilt and does nothing for the person you’ve just dumped – especially if they still like you. Leave it as a clean break and if the stars align one day and you’re both mature enough to fall into friendship then that’s cool. Don’t bet on it though.
Don’t Treat Them Like Your Trophy
We get it. She was a hottie, a dime, a ‘Would Wife’/10…and you broke her heart. You certainly don’t need to go full frat boy and tell the neighbours about that time you did it in the animal cemetery just because you’re no longer together. People talk, word travels fast and in the digital age, sensitive images can get you into a world of trouble if it’s circulated without the other person’s consent. Be smart, not a smartass who has something to prove.