Welcome to the end. The end of the prime that was once every young man’s domain. The only issue now? You’re pushing forty and have somehow become the last man standing in this once bountiful playground.
Let’s be a bit more specific. Your squad has grown up, they’re getting hitched, they have gotten hitched and some are beginning to spawn freakish looking offspring at an alarming rate. Your Facebook feed is constantly filled with ‘X is now engaged with Y’, and hourly updates of [insert cute shit baby did today].
Gathering the guys for a weekly catchup like old times? You can forget about that. Being the last man standing doesn’t need to mean there’s something wrong with you. Perhaps you took the saying ‘going with the flow’ a bit too literally. Maybe you haven’t found the right person who’ll appreciate your dungeon for its cool Scandinavian interior decor.
Regardless, here is a lone wolf’s survival guide for when your squad is no more.
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Two simple rules apply when you begin seeing signs that your wolf pack is starting to deteriorate faster than Donatella Versace’s face. One, don’t be jealous and two, don’t feel sorry for yourself. Marriage is not a job promotion and it takes a lot of work to succeed with the right person.
It doesn’t guarantee a fruitful future (even though that’s the intention) and it’s certainly not for those who just want to half-ass it since everyone else is doing it. If you need proof, ask your newly crowned father friend if he wants to grab a drink after work on Friday and see his response. It will likely be a mix of “Sorry man, I can’t I’m on kid duties…” and “Sorry man, I need to help out the wife at home…”
Now repeat that every Friday for the next ten years. Not up to the task? Don’t feel sorry for yourself and be happy your former brethren is able to take on such a monumental task which you’re not yet ready to commit to.
Join A Cult
Okay maybe not a cult. But there’s this new thing called the internet which provides access to some of the most unique gatherings of people in the world. Think a road cycling club, a rock climbing crew,
Hillsong, crossfitters, a surf club and anything else that piques your manly interest. It’s an awesome way to make new friends who have a life outside of wedding planning and baby formula mocktails. Please don’t join ISIS though.
Make Friends With Divorced People
Speaking of making friends, divorced people are some of the most fun people to be around in today’s scene. Once they’re over the early stages of mourning a relationship, they seemingly blossom into an entirely new being full of gusto and lust for life with a slight streak of insanity.
In essence they’re rediscovering what they love about life on their own terms and that’s where they can become some of your best friends without the burden of still being on youth allowance. Seriously though, they’re usually a bit more grounded from life’s hard knocks. They’re your new squad.
Revel In The Delay Of Dad Bod
Do we really need to elaborate on this one? We’ve already investigated how to dress up the Dad-bod but the best solution is prevention. And unless you’re a Hollywood dad paid to keep up appearances for a living, chances are once you leave the wolf pack to pursue a life of love and family, your six pack also takes a hike. Revel in the fact that you still have the time to go for a run without a pram and hit the gym to be in peak optimum condition.
Move To A Suburb With Similar Demographics
Most who see their friends withering away from their usual hangs tend to remain in the same spot crying into their pillows at night wondering where it all went wrong. The solution is simple: Move to another suburb inhabited by like-minded people who are independent, friendly, driven and more importantly, single. Think places like New York, Sydney’s Bondi or Melbourne’s St. Kilda in Australia or anywhere else with a cool social scene and you’ll find yourself amongst new friends in no time.
Don’t Get Married
This one’s a no brainer. The worst thing you could do is succumb to relationship peer pressure simply because it’s trendy. Marriage isn’t a game of Super Mario and the idea is to only do it once. So tell Svetlana sorry, but you won’t be able to fly her over from Russia for some Spag Bol this weekend. Or any other weekend. Ever.
Do Get A Dog
Dogs are the most cost effective ways to replace a dwindling wolf pack with attention from passing strangers and potential friends and dates. Want an actual wolf? Get a husky. Everyone loves a husky. Just don’t train it to kill on demand. If you opt for a Daschund, call it Chorizo and you’re onto a winner.
Don’t Let Mother ‘Introduce You To A Friend’
And lastly no matter what, do not let mother dearest dictate your love life. It’s a given that she’s more desperate to see grandchildren than you are at this stage and she will hook you up with Aunt Mavis’ second cousin just to see this mission through.