We’d like to believe we were stallions in the sack from day one, but the truth of the matter is that none of us shed virginity without mistakes and embarrassing moments.
The bright side to those mishaps is that they’re learning experiences for future lovemaking excellence, and they make great stories on Reddit. The road to sexual mastery is paved with tales that would make Casanova cringe.
As for the cringiest of all bad bedroom habits… you’ll find 10 of them below.
Staying Creepily Quiet
Silence is for spiritual retreats and cinemas. Unless you met on a dating app for mime fetishists, no one wants to bump uglies with someone who refuses to make a peep. Let your partner know you’re enjoying their company – the occasional grunt or groan if you’re a novice, full-blown dirty talk if you’re a pro. Heavy breathing is the bare minimum if you don’t want to seem like a total weirdo.
Using Your Phone
Step away from the smartphone. Any mid-act mobile use – unless you’re consensually filming a sexy clip for later consumption – is strictly verboten. Don’t check your email. Work can wait. Don’t snap selfies. Instagram isn’t interested in your O-face. Don’t tweet, don’t read news, don’t ask Siri about sex positions, and don’t text a play-by-play to your mates. If you can’t live in the moment, you might as well be watching porn. And speaking of…
Learning All Your Moves From Porn
The internet has made raunchy movies more accessible than ever before, which is great if you’re seeking convenience and not-so-great if you’re seeking genius. Too many men – especially the younger generation who grew up with wi-fi and the ability to disable the parental controls – mistakenly believe that what you see on the screen is what you get in the flesh. Don’t treat smutty cinema as some kind of school for sexual techniques. The only barometer for good sex is what’s happening in your own bed.
Leaving ‘THAT’ Sock Laying Around
We’re not here to scold you for having the sock. Everyone’s been caught in a bind at one time or another, and sometimes it’s the only way to avoid a sticky situation. But please, for the love of laundry detergent, don’t leave it laying around for a partner to find. Do your mum proud and pop it in the wash like the gentleman she raised you to be.
Pulling A Patrick Bateman
They say women have a soft spot for bad boys, and they don’t come badder than Patrick Bateman. The serial killer star of American Psycho is admittedly stylish and well-groomed, but that’s where the life inspiration ends. The scene in which Bateman obsessively watches himself in the mirror during sex (complete with winks and flexing biceps) is a strong reminder that vanity can go too far.
Trying Anything From Urban Dictionary
If you have to look up a sex act on Urban Dictionary, it’s generally safe to assume it’s unfit for an actual partner. Keep those ideas in your sick fantasies where they belong.
Forgetting Your Partner’s Name
Blanking on your lover’s name – or worse, calling them the wrong one – is a guaranteed way to end a shagging session at record-breaking speed. Also on the no list: calling them honey, baby, sweetheart, darling, snugglebutt, bunny boo, huggy bear, poopsy doodles, puddin’ knickers, or any other sickening nickname to cover for your forgetfulness.
Role Playing Childhood Cartoon Characters
It doesn’t matter how badly you had the hots for Ariel or Jessica Rabbit or Catwoman or Sailor Moon or Betty Boop or Wilma Flintstone or SpongeBob. Childhood is meant to be a bastion of purity and innocence. Don’t defile it by dressing you or a partner in costume and doing your best impression of a CCILF (Cartoon Character I’d Like To F—).
“Accidentally” Entering The Back Door
You know it wasn’t an accident. She knows it wasn’t an accident. You both know you’re an asshole.
Treating Personal Grooming Like Arts And Crafts Hour
You have three options for your pubic hair situation: fully grown, fully off, considerately groomed. At no point do stars, smiley faces, or arrows pointing to your junk come into play. Nor does hair dye, glitter, Swarovski crystals, or any other decoration. Cutesy shapes are not cute, and the only people who should be bedazzling are summer camp art teachers and glam rock gods.