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How To Date The Instagram Girl You’ve Never Met

Instagram is a romantic place. Just by looking at someone’s pictures you can tell whether you love them or not (cue ‘Love Is In The Air’ by John Paul Young). 

So, now that you’ve fallen madly in love, how do you date the Instagram girl you’ve never met? Well, much like Einstein, I like to solve life’s important questions. And much like E = mc2, INSTA = LOVE.

Now let’s say for this example, it’s the common Instagram equation: you follow her, but she doesn’t follow you. The short term goal is to get on her radar and perhaps even get a “like”, the long term goal is to get a “follow back”, because on Instagram if two single people follow each other, they are basically married. It’s the law.

So here are some tips to get that all important follow back (and a date):

#1 Avoid Instagram Clutter


Some girls have over 500,000 followers, so you’ve got to stand out from the crowd. The best way to do this is to ONLY like the posts that nobody else does. For example, she might gram a pic of a chair or a glass of milk and it’s not “popping”. So “like” the picture, and if you are feeling adventurous perhaps comment, “nice chair” or “I love milk”. Once again, anything to get on her radar.

#2 Go Stealth


Go on her page but don’t like anything, be like an Instagram ghost. Your main objective of going stealth is to get a figurative feel for her hobbies and interests…perhaps she likes kittens or orange juice; whatever it is, you are gathering valuable information. If you feel the urge to click something, then take a screen shot, but don’t be a weirdo by going deep in the profile and liking her Thailand pics from 154 weeks ago.

#3 Be Diligent


Take notes of which cafes she likes to go to. These are now your favourite cafes – I once travelled interstate for a girl I loved on Instagram (but had never met). I went to her favourite cafe for three consecutive days and I am now talking to this girl.

#4 Take Acting Lessons


You will need to be a strong actor when you bump into your “Instagram girl” and act as if you know nothing about her when you actually know EVERYTHING about her.

#5 Private Message


Yes you can private message on Instagram. Send a tasteful pic – not of your favourite body part – of the ocean or some sand. The picture will be so relaxing that she will think she is on holiday and should respond promptly.

The Closing Act

Good luck. By using these tips you should end up married…or in jail.

Ash Williams is a comedian, writer and host. You can follow his Instagram @ashwilliams1. He promises to like all of your pics.


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