With the internet now taking up over 8 hours of our day, it’s no bloody wonder that it’s beginning to give us the shits. To be honest, it’s not the internet’s fault – it’s the people who use it.
Mothers, fathers, colleagues, the unemployed, and vegans (yes, especially vegans). We asked readers who annoys them the most online. It turns out we’re all guilty of these. Except me. I’m awesome.
1. The Rapid Fire Poster
When a woman gives birth the oxytocin kicks in and they have to love their child even if it has red hair. At this time another switch flicks and they feel the need to share multiple photos every 20 minutes on Facebook and Instagram. Everything is fair game – a poop, coming last in an egg and spoon race, and/or a slightly out of focus photo that was almost good but you’ll post it anyway.
2. The Exerciser
When the going gets tough, you go and take some selfies at the gym. #smashit #fitspo #nopain For special occasions, you even set the self-timer and strategically position your phone against a dumbbell. #busted
3. The Needy Follower
Trawl through the comments of any famous person and you’ll see the needy following in full flight. Their attempts at getting attention will often go like ‘Heeeeeey Jim!, I love you, please follow me’. The truth is, famous person Jim probably doesn’t want to see a 14 year old girl from the hills take selfies with her cat in her pyjamas.
4. The Enthusiastic Relative
My aunt is a repeat offender here. Her enthusiastic encouraging of my holidays, girlfriends, and horseplay is borderline psychotic. ‘Hey, looking good!’ and ‘Wow, you’ve grown up!’ are just some of the golden nuggets the exuberant relative offers. Sadly, you cannot tell Aunty Jude to pull her head in without Christmas Day retribution.
5. The Autocorrectors
Nobody likes a know it all. In fact, everyone hates know it alls and the internet is full of them. The Autocorrector feels it’s their god given right and duty to point out every single thing that’s incorrect. They’re like the Fact Police. You know that?! People make mistakes, GirthMonster487!!!
6. The Inspirational Quoter
Feeling blue? Or perhaps you just need to be reminded that essence is the beauty of moisture? The Inspirational Quoter is forever hijacking quotes from the web, getting into Photoshop, and serving bullshit each day. These posts come thick and fast and are best avoided by those of us in touch with reality.
7. The Over Sharer
This one is by far the worst of them all: the person who shares what they’re eating, what they’re doing, and where they’re going with the world. There’s a limit to how much people care about. Have I told you lately that an individual with this much drive and determination is a very intimidating and dangerous human? You’ve been warned.
8. The In-Comment Arguer
The long-term unemployed and mentally challenged are usually the ones who are going head to head in the comments section. The In-Comment Arguer is typically found on the Instagram accounts of Lebron James and Justin Bieber, defending their honour one lame keystroke at a time.
9. The Recruiter
Whether it’s promoting a pyramid scheme, pimping the local CrossFit studio, or trying to sell average developer talent, the recruiter is the ultimate online pest. Infiltrating your inbox and social media like the smell of cheese feet, these fine souls just can’t take a hint.
10. The Vegan Yogi
You and your kale acai bowl, flexibility, sunrise photos, #blessed hashtags, downward dogs, and phoney positive attitude aren’t fooling anyone. Deep down we know you’re a crumbling mess, just like that delicious organic gluten-free carob brownie we had at lunchtime.
11. The Sponsored By
These folk get through life paying for nothing but for this privilege they must post countless photos with shoutouts to their gravy train. ‘Fab day looking trim. Thanks to @ProteinPower @LocalCrossFit and @TeethWhitening and my free clothes from @HighlyFlamableFashionBrand and @CheapChineseServoSunglasses.’
12. The Candid LOLer
‘OMG I’m having so much fun. So many lols today.’ Just stop. Your poor subservient partner has spent the last 90 minutes trying to take the perfect photo of your wonky ass. Sadly, he’s in too deep. How you continue to be constantly on holiday is remarkable; what’s worse is that your partner never makes an appearance.