The Playbook For The Modern Man

These Ridiculously Fast SUVs Are For Fun-Loving Adults Only

Exhilirating fun for the whole family. Sort of.

There’s a saying that often goes, ‘Don’t grow up. It’s a trap’. Unfortunately many don’t have the leisure of immortality so if you’re going to take on the role of a gracefully ageing bastard, make sure to bring along the inner-trappings of your younger, motor-loving self.

It’s time too ditch the frugal minivan for these ridiculously fast SUVs that will ensure no one is ever late for school.

Mercedes-AMG GLE63 S Coupe

The versatility of an SUV meets the sweeping style of a coupe in AMG GLE 63 S. The AWD monster packs a 5.5-litre twin-turbo V8 capable of pushing out 430kW and 760Nm of torque which can send it to 100km/h in just 4.2 seconds. There’s also four doors and enough boot space to tick off family duties. 


Tesla Model X

Elon Musk’s foray into SUV territory came with fanfare when it debuted with ‘Falcon Wing’ doors which re-imagined gullwing doors for modern times. That’s not where the performance aspect lies though. The Model X P90D is the ballistic version of the family-friendly electric car which sees a 259hp electric motor spinning the front wheels and a 503hp electric motor for the rear. Paired with a high-powered 90kWh battery, the Model X can hit 100km/h in 3.2 seconds in ‘Ludicrous Mode’ with 967Nm of torque on tap from 0rpm. For reference, a V12 Enzo Ferrari can only do it in 3.4 seconds and you can carry up to seven people in comfort in this Model X. Ah, electric cars.

Maserati Levante S

Maserati’s newest jewel is also the Italian marque’s first foray into SUV territory. The car is a fine balance between aggression and elegance with muscular exterior lines contrasting against the signature Maserati appointments of wool, silk and premium leather on the inside. On the performance front it’s not as insane as the Tesla and that’s a good thing because this is a luxury car first and foremost. The Levante S gets a 3.0-litre V6 which produces 316kW and an impressive 580Nm to get from 0-100km/h in a respectable 5.2 seconds.

Jaguar F-Pace S

If Land Rovers aren’t your thing then deflect to its sister company over at Jaguar which now lays claim to its own sports SUV. Like most on this list the F-Pace S sports the sleek lines of a coupe paired with the practicality of an SUV body. Design-wise it also looks the goods with just the right amount of Jaguar aggression added in by its world famous designer, Ian Callum. On the performance front the F-Pace S is the range-topping model which makes good with the 3.0-litre supercharged V6 to generate 280kW of power and 450Nm of torque. That’s enough to get the car to 100km/h from standstill in just 5.5 seconds. 


Many have argued the very existence of the X6M in the past (you could get an M3 or M4 for around the same price) but we’re not here to split hairs. The X6M is rather cramped on the inside with seating for up to five people but performance-wise it’s a winner. It features a 4.4 litre twin-turbo V8 which develops 422kW and 750Nm of torque.

Porsche Cayenne Turbo S

Porsche have quite literally created a monster of the SUV world. The Cayenne Turbo S takes the crown as the fastest non-electric SUV in the world with a 4.8-litre twin-turbo V8 delivering 419kW of power and 800Nm of torque. Drifting in the snow (or on any surface for that matter) is thus achievable if that’s your kind of thing. It does the 0-100 in 4.1 seconds whilst boasting a luxurious interior and comfortable ride quality.

Lamborghini Urus

We’ve jumped the gun on this one as the Urus isn’t actually on sale yet. It is however being tested on the Nurburgring at the moment which means it’s close to production ready. When it does arrive, it will come with all of the immense performance as expected from the raging bull. Specs are tightlipped at the moment but we do know it will be powered by a twin-turbo V8 generating 485kW.

Bentley Bentayga

Another Brit, another performance luxury SUV. Seeing a pattern here? Good because it’s a damn good pattern. The Bentayga is Bentley’s first venture into SUV territory but that’s where the similarities stop. The lavish interior and exterior appointments are paired with a monstrous 6.0-litre W12 (that’s 12 cylinders) to produce 447kW of power and 900Nm of torque. Buyers also have the option of adding in a Breitling tourbillion clock for a cool $170,000. 


Land Rover Range Rover Sport SVR

They call this one the ultimate Range Rover Sport and it’s no wonder with images like the one above. The SVR variant of the classic British SUV borrows the power unit from Jaguar’s F-Type R sports car and turns up the boost to give this off-roader some serious balls. A 5.0-litre supercharged V8 produces 405kw and 680Nm of torque to send this beast to 100km/h from standstill in just 4.7 seconds. It’s also damn sexy with blacked out badges and special SVR badging to ensure you’re set well apart from the standard Range Rover Sport model.

More Family Fun…

Check out these nine Ridiculously Fast Wagons For The Fun-Loving Adult.


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