The modern bachelor, or the settled-down wolf, always has his basics covered.
From his sock choices to his taste in cologne, right down to his underwear, he knows the details matter. He knows to choose briefs over boxers, and he most certainly knows the pitfalls of being caught with his pants down (literally) wearing last-resort undies.
Then there’s the rest of you lads, the memorable betas and omegas, who prefer a more whimsical style – one that is invariably reflected in your underwear. Curious about what your underwear says about you? Let’s find out.
Since we’re all waiting for this one, let’s just kill the suspense and start with the good stuff. Now what can we say about the G-string wearer?
Pragmatically speaking, you’re likely a male gigolo with a techno addiction who spends way too much time doing squats and taking kissy-faced selfies. You might also be embracing your inner Magic Mike. But unless your career is actually based on semi violating drunk bachelorettes while retrieving ones with your butt crack, there are few other viable excuses for this underwear choice.
You either really, REALLY love showing off your bum or you’re just an all-out, Tinder-guzzling man ho (with a ceiling mirror). Or you’re Borat. No, the Zohan!
Briefs say you’re a lady’s man, sensible and stylish. You’re an alpha in your own right, or at the very least, try to be, and have lots of quality bromances.
Just like your taste in flattering undergarments, you aim for excellence and prestige in many aspects of your life. You’ve got the best electronics, home decor and you meal-plan on Mondays and Wednesdays. You even portion those meals into little tupperware containers for the week.
Overall, you set high standards and expect the same in return (from your briefs).
The Calvin Klein Band Ambassador
You’re either a model or a wannabe model who dedicates all his spare moments on Instagram – plus all day at work.
You anxiously stalk your likes and track them more obsessively than a gamer trolling War Craft forums. If you were trapped on a deserted island, you’d choose a selfie stick over water. You keep bargaining with your phone company for better data plans, based on the claim that you’re an internet celebrity, 300 followers strong – 2 of those being your dogs who also have Instagram.
You force your girlfriend to take pictures of you in your Calvin Klein underwear. And although you’re posing casually as if it’s spontaneous, in reality, you’re berating her for failing to tilt her phone at the right angle. After your three-hour photo shoot, you post one picture with the caption, #bae #mademe.
You have probably even believed, at times, that you would make a great photographer…just not with Calvin Klein.
There’s nothing super impressive about boxers. They’re low-maintenance and comfortable, like you. Because in your eyes, fashion is secondary – to pretty much everything else. Your buddies know you’re not the most well-dressed wolf in the pack, but nevertheless you’re still, for the most part, a pretty likeable guy.
Boxers give you that Dane Cook appeal, effortlessly charming but sometimes obnoxious. This less impressive side includes blatant sarcasm, unmaintained landscaping and the occasional temptation to talk trash to tweens on Grand Theft Auto.
Ultimately, you don’t mind that your boxers aren’t the sexiest choice in underwear because you know you’re awesome. However, you still consume Cheerios for breakfast and secretly like when your mom stocks your fridge with home cooked meals…“Ma, the meatloaf!”
The Commando Crew
Instead of going for simple, practical underwear, you have decided to go bare ass. Self-explanatory? Let’s amuse ourselves regardlessly.
Your reluctance to properly attire your naked behind suggests you despise shopping, and probably most humans. Got a sweaty crotch? No problem! A turnoff for the ladies? She’ll deal with it. There’s a misplaced sense of entitlement that figures the world will accept every oddball thing you do.
You also know way too much about UFOs and the Illuminati.
The Inside Out Guy
There are very few guys who don inside-out undies, mostly because it’s peculiar (looks-wise). And it’s tricky to tell whether you’re too lazy to do laundry or you’re just environmentally responsible.
Sometimes during hookups, you’ve had to justify your passion for minimizing your ecological footprint. Yup.
So you’re likely just a vegan hippie who composts and all that jazz. With the inside-out approach, not only do you need to buy less underwear, which is probably organic cotton, but you save on hydro because you believe excess living is for upper-class snobs.
Ironically, however, you were born to wealth and raised by your cleaning lady— which is the real reason you now refuse to do your own laundry.
Oh, and you have a blog— about endangered elephants in Nigeria. And you write it wearing your inside-out underwear.
The Built-in Padding Guy
Guys looking to flaunt a juicy butt are hungry for love – the kinky kind. And you secretly adore getting checked out from behind.
Sometimes you get a little lonely. To pass the time, you’re the proud owner of a premium Porn Hub subscription, which you watch among your Star Wars collectibles, and you’re learning to speak Dothraki, mostly because you’re already fluent in High Valyrian.
The only downside to your padded undies are the surprised reactions that may ensue after you’ve stripped down to a less grabbable booty size. Fortunately, that’s when you bring in reinforcements: amazing foreplay skills…and a vibrating light saber.
The Push-up Package Guy
If your junk doesn’t have enough stage presence, you give him more character. Think of it as an “all eyes on me” approach to seduction, one that focuses primarily on your crotch.
Since you feel best when looking beefy and well-endowed, you may very well be a meathead.
In this case, your life took on a newfound meaning when the Jersey Shore aired, teaching you to chase women whose names are as ambiguous as your penis size. You still do “gym, tan, laundry” in that order, but you don’t tell anyone because you know it’s lame.
Compression Gear Underwear Guy
For you, active living is not a hobby— it’s a lifestyle. By wearing compression shorts, you can go on your runs or bike rides without having to re-gear your undergarments. This way, instead of juggling different styles of underwear throughout the week, you keep it simple: compression shorts everyday and if you’re lucky, briefs on date night.
You know that compressions shorts are ideal for giving your muscles optimal recovery. In turn, regular underwear feels like a waste of your time and greatness.
You’ll also sooner skip sex than a workout day…usually.
The Vintage Holey Hoarder
Mommy dearest bought you a 10-pack of underwear from Costco a bizillion years ago and until you die, they’ll be the only ones you’ll ever have. Actually, not until you die; your will requests that you be buried with them, and after much deliberation, you figure a gravestone shoutout would be pushing it.
So naturally, over the years, these undies have seen a lot of action. We’re talking about the works: the cotton is barely attached to the waistband, the white fabric has faded to an unsavoury greyish-beige and there’s some mysterious stains that leave, even you, perplexed. All in all, these undies leave a primitive trail map of your life’s ups and downs— mostly downs.
But you won’t part with your underwear that is holey and old. Not because you’re sentimental, but because you couldn’t give two f***s about what underwear you’re wearing.