It’s 2017 and the floodgates are open. Gents, it’s no longer a point of shame to be well groomed. A respectable haircut and clear pores have become part of the modern man’s uniform, and we think this is progress.
But there’s progress, and then there’s being obsessive. As much as we want you looking as sharp as a bag of tools from a serial killer’s shed, your life shouldn’t turn into that creepy montage from American Psycho.
Here are the signs that you’re staring down the black hole of obsessive grooming and might be on the verge of surrendering your manhood to the abyss.
It Interrupts More Important Shit In Your Life
Grooming is an important supplement to a well-rounded lifestyle. But it should never become the main act. The good stuff – spending time with your mates, some semblance of an exercise routine, having stable and fulfilling employment – should never get lost behind a quest to achieve porcelain skin or the perfect fade.
Putting in a bit of extra work to get rid of oily skin or acne? No problem. Getting to work late because you had a meltdown over an empty tub of moisturiser or a dysfunctional blow-dryer? Symptomatic of a bigger problem.
You Spend More On It Than The Partner
Grooming ain’t cheap. But spending more than your better half (who probably has a pretty sophisticated routine going already) is a pretty good indication you’re getting a bit lost in your own vanity.
We’re not dermatologists, but we don’t see the need for much more than a daily cleanser, toner, and moisturiser, and exfoliating once or twice a week.
So, if you’re going full Bateman and obliterating your wallet on creams, scrubs, and masks, your manhood is probably getting lost in the abyss of Aesop and Clinique for Men.
You’re Glued To The Mirror
At some point, we’ve all suffered a well-deserved ribbing for fixing our hair or admiring ourselves in the mirror. It’s the price we pay for the comfort of knowing we aren’t walking into a first date or job interview looking like roadkill.
A once over here and there is normal. But if you’re constantly adjusting, recombing, and checking every imperfection that’s been checked a hundred times before, you need more than a gentle ribbing from the boys (i.e., therapy).
Plastic Surgery Sounds Totes Cool
Cosmetic surgery among men is on the up and up. Hopefully, you’re not quite there yet – it’s probably the most extreme indication your masculinity has sunk beneath an obsession to achieve standards that are just flat-out ridiculous.
Fair enough, you might not be satisfied with the features god gave you. But guess what – surrendering thousands to a surgeon won’t fix that, and it certainly won’t resolve any underlying issues you have.
Remember, you can age gracefully like George Clooney, or you can go under the knife and end up looking like Steve Tyler. Take your pick.