Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon their sneakers – but not all of you. Created for all walks of life, your sneakers, dear gents, speak miles about you.
From your basic hand-me-down Nikes to the wild world of unapologetically kickass Louboutin sneakers, every shoe tells a story. Shall we begin yours? Let’s see what your sneakers have to say.
You can’t exactly pinpoint why you’re loyal to Nikes, but somehow their legendary name is good enough for you. With their clean look and go-getter design, you feel like you’re doing your fashion diligence when you “Just do it”.
You’re often confused about where to rock your Nikes. Are they only okay for the gym and errand-running, or can you don them casually for, say a UFC bar night? You feel lame for caring but even lamer for not knowing— you covertly crave a woman who’ll serve as a sort of Obi-Wan Kenobi in these matters, guiding you in the forces of fashion.
You dream of applying a “Just do it” mentality to more areas of your life, sex mostly. But until such time, you’ve mastered the art of cyber stalking girls on Instagram whom you screenshot for your buddies’ group chat to provoke pointless debates about female hotness.
Basically, you’re always chasing life’s big checkmark. Don’t worry, you’ll get there, mate.
You’re a hoodie-wearing millennial or an older equivalent who embraces Louis CK as a diabolical life coach. You don’t actually skate that often, or at all, but still dig skater sneakers for their laidback vibe.
To match your skater sneakers, you go with black skinny jeans. In fact, you wear black often. It may even be your emotional identifier. So every time you feel like you’re surrounded by pinheads, you rely on your cynical black garments to say, “piss off!”
You’ve probably had piercings, many of which were removed, so you can compete in today’s workforce. But now you’re left with clumsy earlobe holes. Although they’re barely-visible, you know that nothing will quite fill the holes created by your life’s wrong turns: to name a few, your wasted summer playing Pokemon Go, your attempt at copying Viserys Targaryen’s silver bob and failing to dissociate from a leaked D pick.
Currently, you despise over-animated emojis and the bimbos who abuse them.
Classic and reliable, your Converse are timelessly trendy, much like yourself. You’ve got a v-neck shirt in every color, and at least three identical ones in grey–because you’re practical like that.
Converse also say that you don’t work in a field directly related to your degree– like those Poli Sci majors who become marketers for Uber.
You appreciate great decor but aren’t necessarily too creative. Ever since you took a bird course in University about modern artists, you think you’re the next up-and-coming art critic. Just as misguidedly, you’re a sucker for obscure, underground sushi spots because dining there makes you feel like a real non-conformist. On the way to such places, you listen to music that nobody else knows.
Yet you secretly get giddy whenever you hear Justin Bieber’s music. And while you pretend to be one of his haters, you also secretly love that he wears Converse. At times, you have even fantasised about being Justin Bieber— wearing Converse.
Blinged Out Designer Sneakers
Great taste comes easily when the world is your oyster.
From Gucci to Giuseppe Zanottis, you can’t speak a word of Italian, but your living, breathing proof of its pedigree. With your seasoned eye for hot cars and women, there’s no stopping your kingdom of impressive sneakers.
At a club, whenever you’re cosy in your booth, which is always prime and center, you’ll be sure to sit with your toes pointing up, so everyone can see your branded souls – just in case anyone didn’t already know you’re god. You always order a side of strawberries with your Dom because your harem of attention-leaching, twenty-something strumpets love them.
Your iPhone camera roll contains more pictures of your sneakers than humans. You likely have other designer sneakers (most of which you never wear) which serve as a shrine to your amazingness. Even your maid is not permitted to enter this room of pristine excellence.
You’re a music snob, specialising in exclusive, rarely-heard DJ music, but if it’s last call and BSB (Backstreet Boys) comes on, you’ll suddenly feel at peace with the universe. Just BSB, you and your sneakers – the ass-holy trinity.
Basic No-name Sneakers
You’ve got no shame in your game. Whether it was Walmart or a token flea market that had you in the zone (savings-wise), you found a great deal on some no-name sneakers and you weren’t going to pass on them.
You’re essentially the male version of a basic bitch – nay, you’re the reigning posterchild.
Your girlfriends are usually blonde-ish, live in yoga pants and are better at constructing hashtags than sentences. These girls have all known your no-name sneakers smell – not quite like sweaty feet, but more like moldy sourdough. And on some weird level, they have all sort of liked it.
You have an inflated sense of superiority over anyone who judges your shoes. Because according to you, labels are for sheep. Yet, truthfully, the real reason you don’t dress better is because you invest most of your time, energy and pretty much all personal pride in your fantasy football team.
Netflix n’ chill is your weekend mantra. And you probably experimented with Sun-In as a kid— but you used some shady no-name version like your sneakers.
Pimped Out Sneakers
The sky’s the limit when it comes to pricy sneaker upgrades.
We’re talking about sneakers with insanely over-the-top embellishments: platinum locks and plates, diamond add-ons, laces sewn from the rarest cashmere spun by topless goddesses from far-off lands…okay, you get the idea.
Half of you do it because you get some sick Joker-type thrill out of savagely burning through cash when you’re unstable and bored. For the rest of you, it’s a loud and proud distraction from your less-showy parts.
You hate that wearing sunglasses at night is no longer a thing. If chin straps were back in style, you’d rock them. You’ll never abandon your silver chain necklace in hopes that one day, the fashion gods may take pity on you and make them cool again.
Before a guy’s night out, you always bestow an extra spritz of cologne (DB) in case you get lucky. But it’s usually just a lot of wasted product.
Sneakers, as you can see, are one the craziest storytellers. Not sold? Well then, you can take comfort in the advice shared by that fellow in To Kill a Mockingbird: “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.”
And while we can all respect this wisdom, the real lesson here is that it’s way more fun to judge a man!