Over the course of numerous years we’ve managed to see a lot of progress and milestones in the men’s fashion world. But with great responsibility comes some truly spectacular atrocities.
Thus brings us to a light hearted compilation of the most unforgivable men’s style and fashion sins to ever be committed by unsuspecting man. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe and maybe even shed a tear for a fallen brethren. And from today you’ll also know the crimes which no man should ever commit.
The Interesting Shirt
You’re interesting, a shirt like this is not. Patterns (like these) should be reserved for SAS soldiers deep within the PNG jungle. If you think you have a place in Operation Desert Schmuck, then think again. Don’t get ‘spicy’ with your choice of shirts, I suggest taking a step back and sticking with basic colours and fine patterns. These will be something your girl (or guy) WANTS to wear the next morning.
Bad Dress Shoes
Choosing shoes can be a difficult task, but if you think that bargain = good, then you have it even harder. Men’s dress shoes should not look like camels feet, not should they have a sharp square toe. Take the above example – if you think this is good, then I suggest you read this article. You will soon understand that shoes women notice do not come in packs of three.
The Shark Tooth Necklace
So cool in 1991, even I had one. I used to rock it out with my Cross Colours / Happy Pants. This category is not limited to shark tooth necklaces, but all novelty or nature-inspired neck hanging devices. If you want to wear jewellery, keep it ultra simple- either don’t wear any or check out a guy named Johnny Ramli.
White Socks & Black Shoes
I shouldn’t still have to bang on about this, but guys are not listening. Whether you’re in a rush to make happy hour or get in line for a spit roast, you should never ever wear white socks with a suit or dark jeans and pants. It’s like drink driving, just don’t do it. Get a cab, get black socks and get serious.
Ill Fitting Suits
No, no and a little more no. I don’t care what brand of suit you buy or even if it’s your Dad’s, you should always have a suit tailored to fit you. Whether you’re slim or a little portly, you need to embrace the fit. Remember, a suit should make you feel like a king.
I can’t say I’ve seen much bad underwear in my life, but I know it’s out there. If it’s on the internet, then people are buying it. Also it’s important to note that underwear has a shelf-life. As soon as you see slight wear, stains or funky odour, it’s time to send them to the big underwear draw in the sky. Underwear is cheap, so invest well.
Speed Dealer Sunglasses
No matter how much further these go into the time/space continuum, guys continue to wear them. The Prada, Dior, D&G brands seem to be the worst offenders in these wrap sunglass types. The lads who sport them…let’s not go there. It’s time to let them go and invest in some aviators.
Going Shirtless In Public
Even if you have a body carved by the gods (RIP Zyzz), it still doesn’t give you the right to take your shirt off at every public occasion. The girls or boys you might think you’re impressing are not the types you want to take home to meet Mum. The great tale of Bluebeard says he kept his many wives intrigued by his closet of secrets. Let your chest be one of them.
Every Spring Carnival I see guys rocking these oddball hats with their suits, so it pains me to know that you MUST have a hat to enter men’s fashions on the field. Regardless, the trilby is just a shit look. If you want to wear a hat, go baseball or panama with a beige suit. Ze plane, ze plane!
Just like Spock or AJ from the Backstreet Boys, you deserve to be teleported to a world far far away, where you can do no white-trash harm. Facial hair is best kept full or non-existant. Take cues from the Most Interesting Man in the World, but not Cletus.
When you die and go to heaven you’ll notice two queues at the pearly gates. One for people who wore Crocs and one for those who did not. Crocs were born out of boredom and excess rubber, they become a worldwide phenomenon for children but adults somehow got sucked in along the way. Apparently, they now make them with sheepskin linings. Brrrr.
Southern Cross Tattoo
I’m all for patriotism, but the southern cross tattoo is a symbol which has a better affinity with rioting than Advance Australia Fair. Vote, pay your taxes, fight in wars but leave the southern cross tattoo out of it.
Exercising In Fitness Leggings Without Shorts
This just kills me. Why guys persist on not wearing shorts over their gym leggings is beyond me. The last thing anyone wants to see when you’re jogging around the park is someone coming toward you with their meat and two veg jumping about the place. Do us all a favour and keep them covered.
Shirt Collars Outside The Jacket Lapels
Unless you’re Chad Reed or up for an AVN award, then do yourself a favour and buy shirts with collars that stay inside of your jacket lapels. This look is a dead set giveaway that you were born in a caravan or at the carnival.
The Overstuffed Wallet
A good friend of mine recently pulled out a wallet that was more stuffed than a Christmas turkey. I took it upon myself to purchase him a nice slim looking Ralph Lauren wallet which I hoped would solve his woes. Big wallets make big bulges in all the wrong places. Buy a basic card holder and leave your Blockbuster membership at home.
These are almost as bad as Crocs but have a slight redeeming quality in that they’re a disabled cousin to the Espadrille. The new wave of canvas slip-ons sees men take a further step down the road of footwear mediocrity. These nasty specimens are poorly made, fall apart and get so dirty you think the people wearing them are homeless.
Heavy Print T-shirts
Ed Hardy is dead, long live the king. Sorry, I mean the Chapel St douchebag. T-shirts with prints on the front went out of style about 5 years ago. They are now reserved for football players who start fashion labels and distant relatives who persist on buying you crappy birthday presents.
High Waisted Jeans
Through the ages men have taken it upon themselves to buy jeans that accentuate their man hips. What’s even worse is when men decide that the full shirt tuck and or the t-shirt tuck is the perfect way to compliment their special jeans. Next stop, Wrong-town.
The Big Headphones
Since when did being seen in public with MASSIVE headphones become cool? Do you really want everyone to know that you take your music quality seriously? Can you really tell the difference anyway? Do away with the big headphones, you are not in a studio and they make you look like Micky Mouse.
Men’s Cargo Pants
I thank the good lord that these vile specimens are not in season, however there are still some foolish souls who dare to wear them. Cargo pants are without a doubt one of the most heinous kind of pants a guy can wear. They’re bulky, unflattering and unless you’re a soldier serve little or no purpose.
Runners (For Running) Or Ratty Sneakers With Your Suit
We never said looking good was ever going to be comfortable, so don’t try to break the rules by wearing runners with your work suit. The most common offender of this style sin is the city office worker. All too often we see these ‘efficient’ people donning a pair of Brooks and heading to the tram or train. Dress to kill, not to out-run Ussain Bolt.
Mug Refilling Of The Common Take Away Latte
I’m going to immediately piss off the environmentalists with this sin, but bringing your office coffee mug to get your morning latte is a style shocker. Spotted all over the city, these men often travel in packs so you cannot miss them. Love your latte, but leave the mug in the office next to the ficus and inspirational poster.
The Coupon Guy
With all the daily deal websites popping up, it’s no wonder there’s a rise in this low quality behaviour. Nothing spoils a classy dinner like the man who pays with a coupon. Keep your coupons for buying online, where everyone can agree that saving 10% on your next Mr. Porter purchase is a winner winner chicken dinner.
Owning And/Or Operating A ‘Beach Tent’
Now remember, this sin is null and void if you have kids!! If you don’t have kids and enjoy a day at the beach in your beach tent, then think again. We’re all for slip, slop and slap, but cowering like Hobbits in a plastic tent is not how summer should be spent.
Nothing burns quite as deep as guys knocking around in Travesty brand t-shirts. We have a cultural phenomenon here in Australian of football / AFL players who are often seen in this brand. Recent sightings lead me to believe they’re often purchased by unknowing girlfriends. Regardless, they’re still a no no even if your frail Aunt Mavis purchased it for you.
The Job Stopper
Not content with your 15 tattoos, you decide it’s time to add one “where everyone can really see it”. The Job Stopper is the term given to a tattoo on an area of your body that guarantees any future employer or potential mate will question your sanity. We’re not against tattoos- for some people they make up for a squeaky voice (DB)- but if you’re going to get them, try and be a little undercover.
Crumpler Messenger Bags
Crumpler messenger bags were cool at the turn of the century. Not anymore. Once designed for those daring chaps who get around town as bicycle couriers, the Crumpler infiltrated itself into the wardrobes and work repertoire of many men. It’s time to ditch the courier look and invest in something real classy, like a Want Les Essentiels bag. Tips hat to Adrian Fernand.
The Lanyard Brigade
You’re working hard, going from meeting to meeting and you need to be opening doors like a boss… We suggest opening doors like an undercover boss. Keeping your access pass (or keys) conveniently around your neck is a no no. The same goes for those elastic ones you keep on your belt. When you’re out of the office, keep your lanyard and access pass in your pocket and ONLY use it emergencies, such as fires, hurricanes and all-out nuclear war.
The Finger Shoes
Heaven knows why such heinous things were invented. As if there weren’t already enough ugly shoes on the market. These whack specimens are often seen in the local gym on guys who are training for a role in Spiderschmuck 3D. Like drugs, just say no.
Jeans In The Gym
While on the gym topic, nothing burns me up like the guy who’s wearing his jeans for a workout. Whilst denim is known for its durability and style, it does not give itself the right to enter the sacred ‘house of weights’. What’s even worse is the cut-off jean phenomenon that’s sweeping society. Remember D is for denim and denim belongs in the disco. Can you believe we’re already up to our fourth edition of the D’Marge men’s style and fashion sins? It seems every year we continue to discover men’s fashion faux pas that grind our gears. We’ve curated this list based on the D’Marge community’s feedback and our own self righteous opinions. Together they make one awesome list. Enjoy part four.
Something happened this weekend. I saw three pairs of these sandals on men walking around Melbourne. Clearly there’s been an Adidas fire sale and men have picked up a few pairs. These sandals are hideous. If you own them, burn them. If you see Zuckerberg, burn his too!
Black Work Socks For Run/Gym Workout
Here’s the guy who thinks he’s killing two birds with one stone. Your black work socks may have already had 8 hours of wear but that does NOT give them the right to go running with you. Pack an extra pair of white socks and stop being so lazy (and Dad-like).
T-shirt Tucked Into Jeans
Unless you’re Marlon Brando, avoid tucking your t-shirt into your jeans. We see this phenomenon happen most Fridays in the corporate world. Leave your t-shirt untucked and sport a well cut blazer over the top – you’ll look much more modern and cool.
Black Shirt, White Tie Combo
Seen most often at bogan weddings and within the IT industry, the black shirt / white tie combo is often accompanied by a poorly fitting suit and fake D&G wrap around sunglasses. Black shirts in general should only ever be worn with black ties or with an open collar. Keep the gangster vibe for your next dress up party.
Belts & Braces/Suspenders
I die. The manager of a local Chinese restaurant always rocks his Hermes belt and his colourful braces. Choose one or the other, but they should never be worn together. Even if you own a Chinese restaurant.
The Collapsed Shoe
Dress shoes are called dress shoes for a reason. They’re meant to be clean, polished and not falling apart. Guys who insist on wearing dress shoes long after the toes have collapsed inward need to take note. It’s time to trade them in for a new pair that will last the distance.
Leaving Tags On Your Suit
You know those cool little tags that are often sewn into the sleeve of the suit? Yes well those need to be taken off before you wear the suit, Einstein. I’ve interviewed many a candidate who does not know this rule. Remember this. It will save much embarrassment.
Nothing says you’ve arrived like a good ol’ fashioned dose of Australian sunburn, the most common being the variety when t-shirts or singlets are worn too often. Sunburn sins also come in varieties such as the popular the Racoon or the I fell asleep on my stomach sunburn. Cover up or uncover but make it even, Steven.
This style sin happens when men forget t-shirts and tumble dryers don’t mix. After considerable shrinkage, men continue to wear said t-shirts that eventually show off their midriff like a teenage girl. This means exposure of navel fluff, outties, fat white bellies and perhaps the occasional 6 pack. Buy new t-shirts and keep your gut covered up.
The Deep Vee
Lastly, we have the deep v-neck t-shirt. Once an essential part of any young man’s wardrobe, the deep v is now strictly saved for urban thugs and inked up heroes. It’s time to ditch the deep v and invest in some scoop necks or v necks that don’t show off as much of your Heavage.
Leather Sports Jacket
Why these were ever created still plagues scientists globally. The leather blazer is something that men ask for on a trip to Bali. “There’s a leather shop, that’s a nice leather blazer, uma get me one!” When worn it gives the district impression that your creepiness knows no limits and you probably own black satin bedsheets. Keep away.
When I was 16 I had my ear pierced and to this day I can’t get rid of the hole. Many a sleepless night has been had because of this. We don’t care whether you’re Lewis Hamilton or Jack Sparrow, the earring needs to stay in the 80s along with slap bands, happy pants and Molly Ringwald…and maybe Corey Feldman.
Square Toed Shoes
Remember the last time you went shopping and you walked out with 2 pairs of square toed dress shoes? Now get in your time machine, go back 18 months and give yourself a slap. Square toed dress shoes need to be burned and new investments need to be made.
A Dirty Car
It’s date night, you look great, she looks better but your car’s dirty inside and out. This is ‘cool guy’ seppuku. Dirty cars tell the world you have skid marks in your underpants and 6-week-old cheese still in the microwave. Get into the habit of washing your wheels regularly.
Skipping Leg Day
Now that music festival season is upon us, we’re seeing the bros with their chicken legs out in full force. Do yourself a favour: make friends with the squat rack. You’ll be better proportioned and won’t blow over in a strong breeze.
Or any sheepskin lined shoes / boots or sandals for that matter…Possibly the worst invention since herpes, the Ugg boot has become the international symbol for those without a sense of decency to unite as one. This guy’s thinking, ‘I can’t figure out why she left me.’ We can, mate.
Bright Silk Ties
A few years back I took part in an advertising pitch where our leader had one of these. To this day, the colour still burns my retinas. These items of sin tell the world you know nothing about looking good in the boardroom. I’m pleading with you, if you own these, burn them. Burn them all! (FYI – They’re highly flammable.) And no we didn’t win the pitch.
Nothing fits quite as badly as a rented tuxedo. Maybe a bed sheet, but that’s about it. With the rise of ASOS, Topman and other fast fashion retailers, there’s no longer an excuse to rent a tuxedo. A tuxedo should be a wardrobe staple for most men. Start investing.
Using Selfie Sticks
If we could track down the sod who invented these, we would flay him/her. As a man (straight or gay), owning such a contraption should be met with a good hard look at oneself in the mirror. Feeding the selfie phenomenon is like feeding the seagull at the local Fish & Chip shop. Nobody wins, wanker.
Riding In The Back Of Convertibles
Sunny day with the boys and girls, and you draw the short straw and must ride in the back seat of the convertible. Let me tell you, the only person who ever looked good in the back seat of a convertible was JFK, and we all know what happened to him.
Carrying A Spirax Notebook
Unless you’re about to graduate from school or conducting some sort of study on Mars with Matt Damon, please leave the Spirax at work. Its ugly yellow grid cover and tendency to gather bits of paper in its spiral will make you look sloppy in and out of the office. Opt for a classic black or brown moleskin teamed with a classy pen instead poindexter.
Here at D’Marge we follow a simple rule of thumb: if your singlet doesn’t cover your nipples then probably best you give it a miss. We live in a hot climate so we understand the need for comfort, but if there’s only a millimetre thick piece of fabric between your bare, sweaty chest and the rest of the world, is it even worth wearing a singlet at all, Mr. Total Recall?
Backpack With A Suit
Again, we understand the need for convenience and that an after-work gym session requires extra luggage, but really? A bulky gym-branded backpack in electric blue or red is going to take your sharp suit down about a million notches. Even worse is announcing to the world that you hit the treadmill hard once a week max. Try a chic leather bowling bag or duffle instead, Rocky.
Wearing All White
Stop kidding yourself. You’re not sipping cocktails in the Hamptons white party, nor are you about to cut a rug in Saturday Night Fever. Wearing all white is not only going to give you dirt and red wine-induced anxiety but you’ll also look like you take yourself just a little too seriously (think KKK). Unless you are channeling your inner Travolta, break the white up with different tones and textures.
Overabundance Of Jewellery
There’s a clear distinction between confident and just plain loud. The right jewellery and accessories can provide subtle touches that tie an outfit together perfectly, but that doesn’t mean you need to wear all kinds at once. We endorse men wearing jewellery, but keep it to a minimum. Go for a simple ring, understated bracelet or necklace.
While the trend of skinny jeans means now dudes can get away with all sorts of hem lengths, if you’re wearing looser fitting jeans or any pants for that matter, do yourself a favour and make sure the hem isn’t too short. The worst? Jeans that are too short paired with sneakers. No one needs to see that.
Dirty White Laces
Fresh pair of kicks? Cool. Dirty laces? Not so cool. Your white sneaker laces should be taken care of as well as the rest of your shoe. You can clean them by using a toothbrush and soaking them bleach.