The Playbook For The Modern Man

Men’s Hairstyles That Women Hate The Most

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Face it men. There are haircuts and then there are ridiculous haircuts which women will crucify you for.

What may look good in the glossy magazines, indie films or even your fellow bikie gang member’s opinion isn’t exactly what women will find attractive. Remember, you’re here to impress, not make the next cover of Child Predator Weekly.

With that said, we’ve done a bit of research amongst the insightful femmes of the office and a professional to reveal exactly what the fairer sex doesn’t want in a man’s haircut.

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The Walking Circumcision

Ferrari F1 driver Sebastian Vettel debuted his ‘bell-end’ haircut earlier this year to much outrage and confusion amongst fans and commentators. What exactly happened here? How do you even tell the barber this is the haircut you want? Nobody knows. He may not be a dick head on the race track anymore, but he certainly looked like one off the track.

The Fake Costanza

Pity the fool who makes fun of balding men by intentionally getting a haircut to fit in with them. The Fake Costanza is never okay and a slap in the face to those who never had a chance to begin with. Also, it looks ridiculous with stubble coming through. Thankfully this was just Alexander Skarsgard in character mode for a film.

My Little Pony On An Acid Trip

Ah, Lil Pump. Even your Gucci gang can’t save you from this steaming pile of hair that resembles something between a Burning Man chick’s minge and a My Little Pony on acid. FYI: neither is a good thing.

The ‘Do You Even Lift?’ Cut

Men's Hairstyles

One of the most prolific hairstyles of the 2015/16 season amongst seasoned gym junkies and self-proclaimed ‘lifters’ is this particular doozy. It’s not a particularly bad haircut but women are growing tired of how monotonous the trend has become amongst the legions of men who now look like Phil & Lil from Rugrats. Shaved sides, long on top with a left or right combover? Cut!

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The Supreme Leader Cut

Regimented. Disciplined. Feared. The supreme leader haircut is reserved only for those with the will to punch on at any moment’s notice. The slick flat top and heavily chiselled sides with zero fade makes this cut look like a warlord crown of sorts. It’s so intimidating it will even keep women away.

The Platted Pony Tail

Pony tails are a big no-no according the the women of D’Marge. There’s no explanation for this other than it’s ugly and much worse if you decide to platt it like Sir Labeouf here.

The Luscious Locks

The Luscious Locks have slowly grown in popularity over the years with cool guys such as Jared Leto and Leo championing the man bun. That look slowly evolved into the let-it-down locks which you see here. Women say it’s not a bad haircut, they just don’t like a man who has more beautiful hair than they do.

The Over-Geller

The classic Over-Geller was born from the era of ’90s pop culture where mind-boggling hold was widely worshipped. These days women like to touch a man’s hair. The worst thing you can do? Fill it full of slick which can turn into gel flakes.

Classic Cornrows

This one’s self-explanatory. Unless you’re a successful rapper or Lil’ Bow Wow then odds are women will find this particular hairstyle on men a bit of a turn off. Yes, even you David Beckham.

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The Trump Tower Of Terror

He may be the most powerful man in the world but President Trump’s hair certainly hasn’t won over any votes. The Trump is a coiffed calamity which blends various comb over styles into one. A man might not be bald, but this haircut will make you look like it.

The Military Square

The boxy military hair is just a no-no according to our expert. It’s one of the hardest to suit a man’s face and can make a man appear more intimidating. If you’re going to join the army, go the shaved military buzz cut instead.

The Subliminal Message From The Future

No man should be shaving subliminal symbols and messages in their hair – ever. The only protest you’ll be attending is the one against offensive hairstyles.

The All-In-One WTF

Zac Efron is usually at the forefront of men’s hairstyles but for a brief moment after filming Baywatch he went a bit too meta on the classic surfer hair. What results is a mish-mash of ‘WTF is going on here’. Keep the surfer style messy but uniform, guys.

The Classic Bowler

Two things come to mind when women see this haircut on men: 1] You’re too cheap to get a real haircut, 2] you still live with mum who gives you your haircut, and 3] you have an awesome Lego collection.

The Contained Oil Spill

No man should ever do the full polished hair look. Unless you’re Mafia. Or a badass like Steven Seagal. In which case, women will still hate it regardless.

The Coke Lines

Sorry guys, the ladies have spoken and say that shaving lines along your hair is no longer considered edgy. Yours sincerely, 2002.

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The 90’s Nick Carter

As far as undercuts are concerned, this one came and went by the early 2000s. Championed by boy bands, this style is similar to the current gym hairstyle which will also come and go in due time. If you’re still rocking the 90’s Nick Carter though, you’ve got a bit of catching up to do. The women who found that attractive are now in their 40s.

The Modern Mullet

Modern or not, mullets should only be reserved for movies and dress up parties, says the women we surveyed. Being Hugh Jackman and having highlighted tips doesn’t change anything.

An Expert’s Opinion…

Naturally, being the diplomatic peanuts we are, we also hit up one of Sydney’s expert hair people, Renée Baltov of men’s barber shop Barberhood, to find out what actually makes a man’s haircut bad. She told us that ‘hate’ can be a strong word and it’s usually more a case of a hairstyle not suiting a man’s face or being outdated.

She did however note the three big no-no’s:

  • The comb over
  • The mullet
  • Boxed military cut

No go forth and frolic with your follicles in peace and good taste.

  • Dattebayo

    basically you want us all to be bald.

  • Samantha

    Lol some of these add character though…Shia’s looked bad at first but then I pictured it for a film role and it could be tribal which is kinda cool. Btw I like the coke lines, weird name but it looks cool to me.

  • Adeski

    I have a mad skill – I can instantly tell if a man is a twat from his haircut. In 46 years I am yet to be proved wrong. Yet so many women marry these people then turn round a year or so later to whine about them being… twats. Oh really? You could see that instantly?

  • kmonster

    Men, do what is right for YOU. Do not be a beta and let women tell you how to groom!

  • Ahmed Fahad

    Lol!

  • Ahmed Fahad

    Shit!

  • Ahmed Fahad

    Damn!

  • Ahmed Fahad

    None cares about wtf a girl like about me!

  • Ahmed Fahad

    Damn man! It sucks. Girls without brains only can suggest these. Damn!

  • David

    The luscious locks one is def bullshit. In my experience, women fucking adore long hair. It isn’t a slam dunk for every guy, and perhaps it’s good advice to “play it safe” by not letting it go past your shoulders, but it definitely stands out on this list to me as just not true or perhaps partially true, if I’m being generous. Those women even admit it’s not a bad hairstyle. It sounds like they’re insecure about their own hair more than anything, lol. Why not find a woman who doesn’t let her insecurity in her own hair dictate her choice in men? I mean, it makes sense that long hair would, at the very least, not be unattractive on either sex, as that’s what our hair would look like naturally without the intervention of scissors. It wasn’t that long ago that every man had long hair.

  • http://www.dmarge.com Luc Wiesman

    Writer is just jealous of men with long hair.

  • https://soundcloud.com/alex-hamilton-12 Darth Math

    I don’t care about styling my hair. F**k it. It will always be the same. Then again, less management and it looks normal, though if I let it get too long it then turns into a mullet, which frightens me. But some basic hygiene/haircut does the trick.

  • TruthTeller

    What – man buns aren’t included? That should be at the top of the list.

  • bastian dionne

    Noooo, the right man bun can look good!

  • TruthTeller

    There is no “right” man bun.

  • Dirge Darkling

    Having had long hair twice, I can say that with it long, I would got some compliments from women who loved it. But as soon as I cut it off, I definitely got attention from more women in general than I did when it was long. There will always be women who like long hair on men…but I think there are way more who don’t. But still, guys should just do whatever they like to their hair. It’s your body, and we’ll all be dead and gone before you know it so why let anyone else’s opinion scare you away from trying something if you want to. And lists like these are bullshit anyway. How do so many people get to the sad point where they have nothing better to occupy themselves with than passing judgment on someone for their haircut?

  • Kittycatgirl

    No. Just have a nice normal hairstyle.

  • Kittycatgirl

    I concur

  • disqus_zSmTBdPi8X

    I like the bowl cut or longish hair over the forehead

  • meliohe

    And I want you to stop telling men how to style themselves

  • Sarah

    I once Fu***d a guy just because of his long hair.

  • Scott Wittig

    So right there

  • KyMule74

    I had long hair for a couple years back several years ago and let me tell ya, women loved it. The gals couldn’t keep their paws out of my hair. What a fun adventure it was, ahhhh the memories! I had more luck with, than without. My opinion.

  • Timothy Burchett

    No one gives a shit what you twats think…. escorts are where the good pussy is

  • Jason Royal

    Says the single guy

  • JBNV512

    That leaves like…. Buzz cuts, no haircut at all, or Mohawks? Who the fuck likes mohawks anymore? Ok granted dreads aren’t on this list and women dig that but white men dont wear them, so white men should put their hair in a Mohawk, a bun, or have no hair at all to be attractive. Ok

  • DucksworthDuckGame

    Well we tired of walking around looking at fake hair or no dam hair but do you see us complaining who cares let people be themselves

  • Man Plan

    Which one of those haircuts do you have? Lol

  • Man Plan

    Nooooo. I would rather shave my head.

  • Man Plan

    Same. Once I cut it off, I got more attention.

  • Man Plan

    You make 0 sense and you sound like a racist. I do agree about the mohawk though.

  • Timothy Burchett

    None of them…. I just know the only honest women is a prostitute which I might add escorts in Vegas rule

  • Timothy Burchett

    Omg. A cuck… lol you beat soyboys are a trip

  • Jason Royal

    I don’t even understand that sorry you are such an estrogen filled little douche and an apt keyboard warrior.

  • Honest Abe

    Aaahhh, you can always tell a guy with a tiny dick, no money, and an inferiority complex by the use of the words cuck, beta, and alpha. Go back to mommy’s basement.

  • Timothy Burchett

    Dude, I’d post a pic of my cock for your gay little ass but your mom is swinging on my ballsack… mmm mm good.

  • Timothy Burchett

    You’ve mistaken my juice dripping from your chin, that’s called testosterone… now stfu and lick it all up

  • Jason Royal

    neither of those scenarios would happen ..but bring on your bad self but say good bye to your family first.

  • Timothy Burchett

    Dudette, its gonna drop on your shirt….

  • Dan C

    Sure! I’ll listen to a woman’s grooming tips, as long as I can tell her what to wear.

  • Anna Maria Whiskers

    *is a twat who looks for women out of his league*

    *out of league women date with an agenda, because it’s sure as hell not looks or personality if they said yes here*

    *ALL WOMEN ARE LYING BITCHES HURRR*

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