A gentleman is forgiven for cultivating a charmingly rakish vice or two, but unapologetic bad behaviour is a good look on no one. Your predilections for fast cars, fine wine and beautiful women get a pass. Your flagrant flouting of social niceties do not.
If you’re guilty of any of these bad habits, it’s time to shape up.
Too many hours spent hunched over the computer on Pornhub have decimated your posture. Not only is slouching physically bad your for body, it also sends the wrong subconscious messages. Slouching suggests you’re lazy, insecure and weak. If you wouldn’t say those things in your OkCupid profile, don’t let your body say them for you. Think about it: did Gollum or the Hunchback of Notre-Dame ever get the girl?
Invading Another’s Personal Space
It’s cool if you like a cuddle, but save it for your wife, girlfriend or boyfriend. There’s no reason to share body warmth with a stranger unless you’re buried beneath an avalanche on an arctic expedition. Barring that, respect personal space and maintain a comfortable distance at all times. This goes for urinal etiquette too, gents.
Screaming As A Form Of Communication
Remember when your mother taught you about your inside voice? Use it. There are a few times when shouting is acceptable (sporting events, concerts, finding the perfect suit on sale, etc). In all other situations, keep the volume at a considerate level. Innocent bystanders don’t care that you had a threesome last night or finally got your girlfriend to do that weird thing you’ve been wanting to try.
Looking Too Long Into A Stranger’s Eyes
This is not a soap opera. You are not competing in the world’s most extreme staring contest. Prolonged eye contact isn’t confident or sexy – it’s unsettling. Unless you’re in a conversation with someone, you shouldn’t be looking into their eyes for more than 3-5 seconds. No woman has ever said “Check out that guy with the creepy stare. I love the way his eye bulge out of the sockets when he looks at me.”
Grooming On Public Transport
I can’t believe I even have to say this. Seriously guys, come on.
The Leak & Leave
See how they put those handy sinks and soap dispensers there? They’re not just for decoration. Your hands touch your expensive clothes. Your hands shake to seal business deals. Your hands touch your face and mouth (and if you’re lucky, someone else’s). Please, for the love of Dolce & Gabbana, wash them after relieving yourself.
The Man Spread
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say your testicles aren’t the size of footballs. Which means there’s no excuse for spreading your legs so wide on public transportation you could accommodate at least 3 more passengers between them. Keep your knees politely closed so there’s more space for others to sit. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.
The ‘Come To Jesus’ Complex
Don’t go stomping around like you’re Tony Stark unless you’re actually Tony Stark (in which case, can I please take a spin in the suit? Pretty please?). There’s nothing worse than a man who reaches a position of power and proceeds to become an absolute dickhead about it. Your friends, family, and co-workers do not exist to serve you. Minions are only cute in kids’ movies.
Shaving Things Into Your Hair
I’m shaking my (patternless) head at this one. Maybe it was cute back in your school days, but let’s face it: even the guys in Animal House had the good sense not to do it, and they were a mess. Get yourself an undercut. Shave it all off and go full Bruce Willis. Get a tattoo if you want artwork on your body. Just please don’t turn your hair into topiary unless your barber is Edward Scissorhands.
A definite don’t. Sure it’s nice to air out your junk every once in a while, but do it in the privacy of your home. Onlookers don’t need to know your circumcision status. Talk about ruining the lines of your suit. No more free, free ballin’ (sung to the tune of Free Fallin’, obviously).