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The Most Hilarious Reviews Of London’s Worst Hotels

“My husband was itching; I thought he was just being paranoid until he screamed.”

Yes: London is an incredible city of nightlife, Australians, history, culture, lager and tourism. But it’s so much more than that. It’s also a city of bedbugs, the bubonic plague and medieval-architecture. Unfortunately for some disappointed hotel guests, not all these things disappeared after the dark ages. Sure: you can ensure a hitch-free stay in a chic Airbnb, but if you go for a two star hotel let these reviews serve as a warning.

Corbigoe Hotel

“I had to sit on the loo sideways.”

Some hotels believe the key to a steady stream of income is a steady stream of satisfied guests. The Corbigoe Hotel laughs in these hotels’ faces. The key to their success? Skimping on kitchenware, intimidating guests into not drinking too much coffee and snipping away at the cleaning budget.

“Breakfast was very basic and I was scolded when I got a cup of very weak coffee without asking.”

Apart the breakfast ordeal guests (allegedly) also had to risk third degree burns on their privates to go to the toilet.

“The toilet cistern was rigged up to the hot water system and was piping hot, there were flees in the carpets and stains in the beds and sheets.”

Other disturbed (disturbing?) reviews included:

  • “The mattresses were worn and saggy, but not the most uncomfortable bed I’ve slept in.”
  • “The window in the bathroom did not close properly and there were ants crawling on the floor. The doorknob for the bathroom was a small drywall screw.”
  • “THIS HOTEL SHOULD HAVE A PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING.”
  • “The staff do not like people.”

The money saving tactics didn’t go down too well either:

  • “The kettle had black things floating in it as the element was so corroded.”
  • “The carpets looked like they haven’t been hovered since 10BC and the smell… even thinking about it now makes me heave. It smelt like stale urine and regret.”
  • “We received only one towel and the receptionist was very indignant when I requested more towels.”

And the guests’ conclusions?

  • “I’ve had camping experiences at festivals more clean than this hotel, I would rather kip in a portaloo!!”
  • “If you are looking for a poorly run 70s themed hotel this is the place for you!”
  • “Awful slum hell hole.”

Aquarius Hotel

“Spacious triple.”

Aquarious appears to subscribe to the, “Treat ’em mean keep ’em keen” ethos. The problem: hotel guests typically aren’t masochists, neither are they dating the hotel. But hey: at least the results are entertaining. And although some guests managed to keep optimistic (“cheap for being in London”), when the most positive reviews you can find are, “Really good for what it is,” and, “Not that bad,” you know you’ve made a serious mistake.

And it only gets worse:

  • “Terrible check in experience.”
  • “I thought I was getting a single room with a window, instead I got a cupboard with no window and barely space for the bed.”
  • “Bring shower shoes.”
  • “Woken in morning by police knocking on room next door who had been using crystal meth.”
  • “Place smelt of curry badly.”
  • “Room no bigger than a prison cell, really tiny dirty bed sheets and the shower and toilet looks like hasn’t been changed since the 70s. Every time a underground train went past the walls shock aswell—was woken up every half an hour.”

Conclusions:

  • “I should have stayed with air bnb.”
  • “I wouldn’t give it half a star.”
  • “Genuinely the worst hotel experience I have ever had.”
  • “Should be called hostel instead of hotel.”
  • “Would never stay again.”

Hartley Hotel

Your host for the evening…

Hartley Hotel is a hostel masquerading as a hotel, that makes even hygiene-averse backpackers cringe. Top reviews hit its key features nicely, pointing out its abysmal price to value ratio and less than stellar conditions: “Cheap for a reason,” and, “Absolutely horrific.”

This came amid a number of other less than savoury discoveries:

  • “There was a used condom on window sill, dirty stained bed base and a horrible stench in our room.”
  • “Overwhelming stench of mould.”
  • “Stank of cigarettes and damp/mould everywhere. Bathroom disgusting. Room hideous.”
  • “Breakfast ok but sausages dreadful.”
  • “There was a smell similar to urinal cakes permeating the room.”
  • “Upon bedding down for the night my husband was itching but i thought he was just being paranoid until he screamed to put the light on as he ft something crawl across his face and saw something moving and yup you guessed it BEDBUGS.”

Although, “The staff were nice and breakfast was decent,” this didn’t make up for the other negative factors, leading to some scathing conclusions:

  • “I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to this place.”
  • “Cannot stress enough that you should not book this place.”
  • “DO NOT BOOK”
  • “This place needs torching!!!”
  • “Caution: you will get disease.”

RELATED: The Most Hilarious Reviews Of Paris’ Worst Hotels 

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