When lustful displacement of linen gives way to Netflix and Doritos, what’s a bored lover to do? When your relationship is heating up, but you get offered a job on the other side of the country, what’s an ambitious lover to do? When you love your partner to death… but your commute crush just made lingering eye contact, what’s an open-minded lover to do?
There are many reasons to leave your significant other. However, what might be right for one person could be totally different for another, despite the confusion and cliches promoted by pop culture.
He cheated? You have to leave. She wants to move for work? You better go with her. Their family doesn’t like you? No biggie. Their friends hate you with a passion? Get out of there.
All of these stereotypes could either hold true or hold less water than a dodgy colander, depending on your context. However, as the r/AskWomen section of Reddit just revealed in a thread entitled, “What are some signs that you might overlook when you should leave a relationship,” there are a few general giveaways as to your gradual slide towards oblivion an awkward Starbucks break up.
They Make You Feel Less Confident About Yourself, Not More
There’s a fine line between playful banter and downright negativity. But, as one woman puts it: “When you are mocked more than you are supported… [or] called derogatory names during an argument,” you might want to high tail it.
“One day, my ex was really annoyed at me and in a very sad way of trying to shut me up, he said something that I used to hear when I got bullied in school. He knew what he was saying and still went for it. I never felt so hurt and betrayed as I felt in that moment… not even one month after that, we broke up,” another commenter added.
You Start Looking For Reasons To Leave
“When you google, how do I know I should break up.” Or, when things like “I should be meeting other people”, or “I’m too young to commit” come into your head, which, as one woman points out, can be “ways of intellectually rationalising [your] ambiguous gut feeling of something not being 100%.”
“If you can identify that something and resolve it, you stand a chance and your relationship will be stronger for it. But if you spend months with vague feelings of unease without being able to understand or fix it, they’re probably just not the right person, despite how much you want them to be.”
They Lose Their Mind Over A Few Dirty Dishes
While being lazy is sure to irritate anyone, if your partner can’t handle a few minor mishaps, they may not have your best interests at heart. Or, as one commenter puts it, “It’s the intention to hurt over petty stuff that kills a relationship. It’s about control and when they can’t control you, they try to hurt you. It’s juvenile and doesn’t do anything to build a relationship.”
They Are Unnecessarily Cruel
“Unfortunately, I think we can be cruelest to the people we love. If I don’t like someone, I just leave them be and avoid all contact, but if I think about some of the fairly awful things I’ve said to my family and my partner over the years, it’s a pretty painful thing to realise.”
You Feel Relieved When They Leave The House
“When you honestly feel relief at getting alone time when they are leaving.”
They Gaslight You
“When ANYTHING they themselves do is ‘your fault,'” one woman said, it’s time to reasses your relationship. “When they call you crazy for calling them out on some bullsh*t that ANYONE would call them out on,” she continues, or “when they go out of their way to talk around obvious red flags while still being SUPER red-flaggy.”
You Stop Making Up After Fights
As one savvy commenter puts it: “a lot of unstable couples fall into a routine where they just let… outbursts slide by without addressing them. They get comfortable in their wallowing, venting, etc. A healthy relationship means actively working to recognize where you may have been wrong/irrational and/or hurt the other and admitting your fault without waiting for them to bring it up.”
One Of You Is Making All Of The Sacrifices
“Relationships involve a certain amount of healthy sacrifice to remain in balance,” the aforementioned commenter continued. “Sure, you each should be your own person and you should do your best not to hold the other back from what they love or aspire towards, but a healthy relationship will continue to involve self-sacrifices that you choose to make for the betterment of the relationship or the other person. If you stop sacrificing and start counting every little loss as a personal defeat, you’re being selfish and this leads to unhealthy problems and patterns.”
They Let You Down When You Need Them Most
“When they have an opportunity to be there for you and they don’t.” The simplest, most accurate test of their commitment.
You Can’t Be Yourself Around Them
“When you find yourself hiding true parts of yourself: Not complaining when something upsets you. Pretending you’re fine when you’re upset. Not being as weird as you normally are for fear they won’t love you.”
They Cheat Early On In The Relationship
Cheating is understandable (if selfish and devastating) when you’ve been together years and your bedroom life has become more predictable than the Sahara desert’s weather forecast. Now think (as the following comment suggests), if they cheat during your honeymoon period when the serotonin is still flowing, are they really into you?
“When they cheat early-ish. The whole ‘she seduced me, she meant nothing to me, I made a stupid mistake, I wasn’t sure of our relationship boundaries.’ They never blame you, but they also don’t stop you from blaming yourself. You might spend years being given the run around, feeling like you’re slowly going mad, wondering what’s wrong with you and why you’re not enough, and turning into someone you hate and never intended to be. Then eventually, they leave you or you finally reach the last straw. Save yourself some time, save your sanity, save your friendships, ditch the cheater.”
You Never Fight
“You stop fighting bc it’s not worth it anymore.”
You’re Reluctant To Talk About Your Relationship With Your Friends & Family
“When you stop talking to your friends and family about your relationship because you are too ashamed over the… ways your SO repeatedly treat[s] you,” another commenter added, in a close-to-home insight, it might be time to set up that awkward Starbucks adieu.