“Cor, you’re punching well above your weight with her, mate”. A comment we’ve surely all been subject to in our dating lives when our friends believe that a girl we’re seeing is far too attractive, or intelligent, to be associated with us.
But is a relationship that is under the constant scrutiny of our peers one that we should stay in? Or should we think ‘to hell’ with what others think, it’s all about the personality. We spoke to professional dating and relationship coach Renee Slansky, to find out just what sort of effects dating someone ‘out of our league’ can have.
Renee starts by saying that in her experience, it’s people “who have insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of self-worth” that think a partner is out of their league. But rather than think of partners as being in ‘leagues’, she adds that “healthy relationships are built on compatibility, consistent effort, trust, communication, and love.
“Not other people’s opinions or difference in status or looks.”
Before we even start thinking about whether someone is or isn’t in our aesthetic or intellectual ballpark, Renee says that “every person should have a strong sense of worth first, a clear sense of direction with what they want and need and a strategy on how to become the version of themselves to attract that.”
“Basing decisions off whether you are in someone’s league or not is irrelevant and toxic because essentially you are comparing your worth to theirs.”
“We are all worthy of the best, it’s just a matter of who choose to work and wait for that or who chooses to settle for second best!”
But what if we do happen to find ourselves with a girl of model-like proportions, only for it to then end a few years down the line. Can that have an impact on how we view women and relationships?
To this, Renee says there are “two things that can happen if an average guy is with a gorgeous girl: his confidence will be built up and his insecurities will be built up.”
Renee blames society for being detrimental in the formation of those insecurities, “either way people will talk, judge and condemn because we are a society who thinks that looks are an indication of compatibility.”
“If he chooses to focus on being a great partner to this gorgeous woman, why wouldn’t she want to stay? Women want to be valued and prioritised at the end of the day.”
It’s this mantra that Renee wants all men to focus on, rather than the aesthetic appearance of the girl on our arm. “We all have a type and are attracted to a certain physical look; however, someone’s character and actions are what grows or kills that attraction. I think that the focus should be more on “I am a great man, worthy of my heart’s desires, how can I communicate that to the right woman who will also value me?”
“Rather than think ‘is he good looking enough for her?’, I think society needs to grow up a little.”
So guys, forget the whole notion of ‘leagues’. They’re mythical and you shouldn’t base your relationship on the idea of them. Instead, focus on being the best guy you can be and the relationship will look after itself.