The Playbook For The Modern Man

What To Do When Someone Won’t Stop Talking To You In Business Class

Violence isn’t the answer.

It looks bad to whinge about your pointy end experience. But when you’ve paid $5,000 for a ticket, you’ve every right to expect what’s been advertised. And an overly chatty neighbour across the aisle, for most of us, is an unwelcome inclusion.

So what do you do when you’re sat next to someone who wants nothing more than to tell you their life story?

Despite pre-selecting a seat in an area we believe to be the safest – at least, away from screaming children (yes, you get those in business class too) – we subtly survey the oncoming passengers, trying to work out which one of them will try to make conversation with us.

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We also cower in fear of the moment they turn their head in the hope of engaging in conversation. But what can do you do to avoid it? We’ve already outlined what to do when you’re the one wanting to talk to an in-flight neighbour, but what do you do if the roles are reversed?

Book an airline with a sliding door suite

This isn’t always an option, but when it is it’s kind of fool proof. Top notch examples can be found over here in our list of the best business class seats in the sky.

Mark your territory

One fool-proof way to put up the invisible barrier between you and your neighbour is to get to your seat quickly, sit down and start playing on your phone, read a book, or watch a movie. If you can get a seat next to the window then it’s a bonus, because it reduces the number of potentially overtalkative passengers from two to one. You ultimately want to avoid eye contact with whoever sits down next to you, to drop the subtle hint you’re in no mood for a chat.

If eye contact is unavoidable and you at least mutter a faint “hi” to your capsule companion, you could engage in a brief bit of small talk: “what’s your reason for travel?”, “do you live there?”. But to help your neighbour understand you’re not in a mood for a full Jimmy Fallon-style chat, be blunt with your replies, and cut off all replies when the conversation comes to a natural end.

Act like royalty

“Do you even know who I am?” You may not be an arrogant ass, but if you act like one your chatty seatmate will probably lose all desire to interact with you. While this is not morally recommendable, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.

Put your hands on anything nearby

If you haven’t got headphones on, or you aren’t pretending to be asleep, then anything else you can get your hands on will be a natural deterrent to your noisy neighbour. Books are a great example of this, or as a last resort, the in-flight magazine. Nobody in their right mind will want to disturb someone who has their head buried in a novel – and if they do, you’d be well within your rights to give them a piece of your mind.

If you’re not the reading type, then a game on your phone is another good option, or if you’re travelling for business and have some work you can do on a laptop, then you can kiss any kind of conversation goodbye.

Get mean

Some people just don’t take the hint.

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We’ve surely all encountered these people throughout our lives. If your chatty seat companion hasn’t cottoned on to the fact you’re not interested from your obvious hints, then tell them straight to their face that you’re just not happy to talk to them. Rude but effective.

Take a night flight

If you’re the type of person who is adamant they can’t deal with any sort of social interaction, then consider booking yourself onto a night, or ‘red-eye’ flight, if your schedule allows. Not only should there be less chance of someone parking themselves next to you, but if they do, they’ll more than likely fall asleep.

Look unapproachable

This will be the only time we say this here at D’Marge, but one trick you can use to repel the person sitting next to you is to look as ungroomed as possible. We’re talking Tom Hanks in Castaway levels of dishevelled. Don’t wash the day of your flight (or the day before either if you really want to make a statement), wear an old set of clothes and maybe even leave the morning’s sleep in your eyes. Definitely still brush your teeth, though, there are still lines that should never be crossed.

If all else fails, and you’re one of the very unlucky souls that gets stuck next to someone who simply must tell you their life story. Humour them, pretend to listen, interject with the occasional “really?” or “no way?!” and get the hell outta there once the plane touches down on terra firma.

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