The Playbook For The Modern Man

James Bond Bachelor Pad With ‘Sexytime Spa’ Goes Up For Sale In Sydney

Shaken, not stirred? We’re shook.

When you picture Sydney’s Inner West, you think crumbling share-houses, tiny flats, and student pubs. It’s a great place to live, but much more bohemian in vibe than business class. It’s certainly not the first place you think of when you’re looking for a palace.

That said, this spectacular Earlwood home proves the Inner West isn’t a one trick pony when it comes to property. And palace? Why not try a bachelor pad out straight out of Sean Connery’s most borderline tacky lurid fantasies.

Featuring a truly insane list of amenities and spectacular sail-like external architecture, this pseudo Playboy mansion could challenge the suburban sale record when Inner West property agents Cobden & Hayson take it to auction, realestate.com.au reports.

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A birds’ eye view. Image via realestate.com.au.

Some of the features sure to excite budding Bond baddies include: a glass-walled swimming pool with a swim-up bar and outdoor kitchen, a huge basement with heated flooring, a home cinema, a gym and a rumpus room with a pool table, aquarium and a fully-stocked bar.

Oh, and in a move that puts the Mexican drug lords of the world to shame, it also features an indoor soccer field, a huge underground six-car garage and a panic room (for when The Man With The Golden Gun tracks you down).

Go from penalty shootout to literal shootout – the panic room’s next to the third(!) kitchen. Image via realestate.com.au.

Previously owned by a concrete contractor, the building makes superb use of sheer concrete and stone feature walls. Very Bond villain. Yet the basement area is strangely unfinished, and is less ‘Casino Royale‘ than Casino Royale ball wrecking scene.’

One of the most striking features of this Earlwood property is the amazing central staircase that was allegedly inspired by the 1983 film Never Say Never Again, which marked Sean Connery’s last appearance as James Bond. Given the suave demeanor of this part of the pied-à-terre, we imagine Connery would approve of the reference.

The aquarium is a very Bond touch, too. Image via realestate.com.au.

Once you make it up to the master bedroom, you’ll see why we’re so tittering about this bachelor pad: front and centre, there’s a spa separated from the rest of the room by only a single piece of glass.

Something we’ve never understood is the trend behind ensuites only separated by glass. Bathrooms should be a place of privacy, not for looky-loos. No matter how good your relationship is with someone, you don’t need to see them in the bathroom.

Swingers’ Heaven… Image via realestate.com.au.

A sexytime spa like this sounds fun and flirty on paper, but in reality comes off as creepier than a Sean Connery ‘Bond’ pickup line delivered in 2020.

We’re struggling to picture who the intended buyer is for this. The soccer pitch, rumpus room and pool would lend itself brilliantly to a family home. But the weird stand-out features like the panic room, multiple bars and aforementioned spa don’t seem like the kind of amenities a well-adjusted couple would be interested in. Maybe they’re the kind of couple who likes a good key party. Imagine explaining that to the kids…

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If our brutal assessment hasn’t put you off already, the property’s going up for auction on July 18th. Good luck, 007.

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