Being ’emotionally horny’ is hard to grapple with. But it’s a state many men are finding themselves in, during this socially starved year.
A trending Reddit thread in the AskMen community recently articulated this feeling of ’emotional horniness’ beautifully.
“What do you do when you’re emotionally horny?” the man asked.
“I can take care of the physical. Men, we have it easy. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. But when you’re emotionally drained, it’s not like you can touch yourself to emulate a female. I want to be understood, feel giddy, learn about someone, have a bonding type of feeling, etc.”
“It’s not a physical problem I have, it’s a mental thing I want taken care of. A quick release will not help me. I’m looking for someone to help me with ideas, career, future, problems, issues etc.”
“What do I do to take care of that! You can’t jerk off your mind.”
DMARGE got in touch with a dating professional to bring you expert solutions. But first: have a look at some of the more wholesome responses Reddit users came up with.
“Emotional horny? Do you mean lonely? You want emotional intimacy with someone. That is a universal human need. Completely normal,” one wrote.
Another backed this up, claiming: “’Emotional horny’ is the most dude way of saying ‘lonely’ I’ve ever seen.”
“A heart boner, if you will,” commented another.
“I legit just cry sometimes lmao.”
Samantha Jayne, Relationship Expert and Advisor to Channel 10’s The Bachelor, told DMARGE emotional horniness is slightly more specific than lonliness: “Emotional horniness is a deep desire to want to feel loved, validated and special. It doesn’t matter who you are, everyone wants someone to have their back… lean on and share the simple pleasures with.”
“Good times and bad times. Without an emotional connection, you might as well be dating a robot, it’s empty and meh!”
“Just like sexual horniness emotional horniness can be overwhelming and leave [you] on edge,” Samantha said (if you doubt this check out the following quote from another Reddit thread, in which people admit the most WTF things they’ve done out of horniness).
“I’m a girl and one time out of extreme horniness I googled ‘how to make your phone vibrate nonstop’. I had to take a step back and take a cold shower. But it made me wonder what weird things people can do out of sheer sexual desperation.”
In any case: if your needs aren’t being met it can lead to feeling depressed and, according to Samantha, “really is just another fancy word for loneliness but loneliness on a relationship level.”
“Even people with FWB experience emotional horniness because meaningless sex is everywhere.”
Fortunately, if you’re feeling emotionally horny, there are some positive actions you can take to remedy your situation, Samantha told us.
“Get in touch with feeling good within yourself, meet your needs personally. I don’t mean masturbate like crazy because that’s never going to work and will probably just lead to blisters and emptiness.”
“What I mean is fill your own emotional void, figure out what is going on. Why are you feeling empty; lonely? Is there pain that needs to be healed? Stop destructive behaviour such as alcohol, drugs, overeating or excessive porn. Instead get emotionally connected with friends, family and people that make you feel good. Learn to trust people and yourself.”
“Become the best version of you, exercise, get outdoors, start reading inspirational books, look for role models that inspire you, people in your life or celebrities, or if you can’t think of anyone write down what you would like your ideal life to be. When you’re feeling better get out and online – start meeting new people.”
“Be proactive,” Samantha continues. “Keep going until you have success because if you persist it will pay off. One of my favourite quotes is ‘activity breeds success.’ If you fill the void you’ll be able to have a healthy loving relationship, which is one of the biggest human desires, building trust, empathy, better sexual connection and out of this world passion meeting each other’s needs, wants and giving you an abundance of energy and happiness.”
If you’re in a relationship and you’re still feeling emotionally horny, Samantha recommends you look at when this first happened and “rewind to a time when you were happy in the relationship.”
“What did you do differently? Start implementing those things to see if there is a change. Get out on a date night, discover each other’s love languages, get outdoors, go on an adventure, plan a weekend away, have some wine, laugh, bring back the romance and if all of that still fails then look at whether the relationship is right for you. Ultimately you want to be happy because being lonely in a relationship is worse than being single.”
“Always look at how you can change things, how you have contributed to the dynamic and put the actions into place to change that,” Samantha added. “If you blame the other person it is very disempowering and leaves you stuck. Sometimes it’s better to be wrong and fix things than to be stubbornly right and end up in the same scenario with another person.”
According to Samantha, we are at a point in history where we may be more emotionally horny than ever, “Especially with the mix of social media, coronavirus and more and more people connecting virtually.”
“Not to mention the boost in narcissists out there and people are afraid of getting hurt emotionally. More and more people I speak to struggle living with the fear of getting hurt so they live in their heads, they worry about what a person will do and their stops an emotional connection which leads to no relationship which then leads to more emotional horniness.”
“Seriously whilst technology has its benefits it has got more people in their heads and people need to be touched. We need physical contact to release the love cuddle hormone ‘Oxytocin,’ to release cortisol from our bodies. This improves mental and physical wellbeing.”
For this reason, Samantha argues apps like Only Fans, downloaded like the plague during this time of… plague… are “total band-aid solutions.”
“The reality is you to pay to get a connection…think about that… how does that feel? Would that person reach out to you and be there when you really needed something.. and paying for connection… Aren’t the best things in life for free?”
The users of Reddit also provided those feeling emotionally horny with some smart advice.
“A few things,” one wrote. “Go get a massage. When you’re single and trying not to make bad decisions out of loneliness, 90 minutes of therapeutic non-sexual touch focused entirely on your needs can be profoundly soothing.”
“Hard at the moment with Covid, but go take some salsa, swing or other partner dance classes. They’re usually around $15 for an hour and you’ll be passed around every 2 minutes into the arms of a new partner, face to face, working together to figure out some new fun step. A terrific way to get some close physical human contact in another non-sexual way that’s just warm and simple and pure fun. Even though you’re not going to hunt down romance, it’s POSSIBLE you’ll hit it off with someone and have a perfect new hobby in common.”
“Go to a yoga class. The stretching will relax your body tension, ease some stress, and the view of fit healthy bodies stretching all around you will remind you that you’re alive in the middle of a vibrant, exciting world filled with attractive possibilities. Again, don’t treat it like a hunting ground; do it to feel yourself grow stronger and less flustered. But again, it’s POSSIBLE you might catch someone’s eye and chat while putting your shoes on afterward.”
“The keys here are [sic] get out of your house, explore opportunities for both non-sexual human touch and personal physical care/development. You’ll feel more centered, less lonely, with more opportunities and less anxiety.”
“Go forth audaciously, son.”
Others suggested therapy and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (not necessarily in that order).
“Start taking a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. You’re not going to meet women there (rarely, and they do not go to be hit on), but the combination of intense exercise, learning to be comfortable and succeed in the most dangerous situations, and the constant close contact may satisfy an unconscious need for contact and it just clears your mind. I’m not a BJJ Is My Religion guy, but a lot of people will say they use it as therapy.”