Single People Beware: ‘Chumming’ Is The New Unscrupulous Dating Trend In Town

"If someone is a chummer, they are a chummer – avoidant, non-committal they keep their toes dipped."

Move over roaching and ghosting; there’s a new dating trend in town: chumming. Despite its chummy new name it isn’t getting a friendly reception though. In fact, a lot of people are sick of it.

Enter: a recent tweet by journalist Amelia Dimoldenberg. She wrote: “Does anyone have a name for the illness where a guy can’t answer any direct questions you ask him but can reply ‘Fire’ to your stories?”

A lot of Twitter users and followers weighed in on Dimoldenberg’s statement. One called it “Stiffilius,” while another enterprising soul called it: “justwantsexitis.”

Another called it: “Unchecked masculinity disorder.”

Another wrote: “I suspect the prime minister has a particularly acute case.”

Here at DMARGE we reckon a good name for it is chumming – basically where certain singles aren’t going after anyone in particular with a hook and bait, but are instead ’chumming the waters.’

Samantha Jayne, an Australian relationship expert and dating coach, told DMARGE that “chumming” is “just another word for avoidant…he has one foot in one foot out, exploring his options…keeping her guessing just enough to keep her distracted and living in hope.. kind of like breadcrumbing really.”

“It’s a sign he is not overly invested. He is window shopping. It could be that he is innocent and doesn’t know [what chumming is].”

This type of behaviour has arguably been around forever. But its modern iteration typically comes down to two factors, Samantha told DMARGE: “1. He has one foot in one foot out, exploring his options…keeping her guessing just enough to keep her distracted and living in hope for one day he will miraculously step up and ask her out.”

“He might even be doing this to get her emotionally invested and then get to the end game quicker without the need for taking her out to dinner, drinks and dates. Instead, he uses social media to kind of stay connected and build rapport, kind of like teasing her which if she is attracted to him builds the tension and attraction.”

“2. He just has no idea and low confidence. Some men do it innocently, they genuinely don’t know what to say and because people talk less in this tech era many people have lost the ability to communicate. Due to their lack of confidence, they just stay in touch with emoji in the hope that she will ask him out.”

Samantha added: “Chumming can also be in the form of being a penpal, endless texting, talking, communicating with no actual face to face dates, or very few. It’s kind of being tied without the ties. It feels very unstable there is no certainty and you just don’t know where you stand.”

“Chumming may be innocent for some, for others, it’s all about stringing her along. At the end of the day only you can decide where you are ok with it or not but what’s important is that you don’t try to make someone [into] someone they are not.”

This came with a warning for Australian singles that are sick of being chummed: “If someone is a chummer, they are a chummer – avoidant, non-committal they keep their toes dipped. It is what it is and that’s that. If you are ok with it, then great, but if you want an action taker that’s intense then go find one!”

“It’s like getting frustrated when you eat too much cake and expect to stay slim. It won’t happen..so instead of getting frustrated use the approach of sandwich feedback and communicate. He is not a mind reader or a psychic tell him what you want in a nice [lighthearted] way… then ask him out and see what happens.”

“If he goes for it then you know…he was just shy. If he plays games and withdraws further then run for the hills.”

For those doing the chumming, Samantha said you should consider being a bit more direct, or at least not using such cringe emojis.

“Women love a direct man, it shows confidence and it’s incredibly sexy so if you want her go get her. You do this by building rapport, the best way to do this is to structure the conversation with a compliment followed by a question.”

Finally, when commenting on someone’s Instagram post, Samantha advises “a cringe emoji is the face with the tongue, the poop and the thumbs up.”

“Also avoid the sad face, crying – anything negative it’s unattractive. Instead, use positive emojis: laughing, wine, pow, clap, nerd, anything funny is great.”

“The best way to respond to a crush is to occasionally comment with a short comment or emoji to get attention and then use that as an opportunity to send a private message. That is the perfect opening. Also, remember to post on your Instagram so you can match them. Give them something to think about!”

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