We all love the idea of finding ‘The One’. We imagine her (or him) in all sorts of ways: with blond hair, smart, funny and most importantly good with a vertical pole in the middle of the room. Whatever your type, there are a few golden rules to help you avoid a potential disaster.
1. Her mother is a few slices short of a loaf
Nothing says run for the hills like a mother-in-law to be who’s bat-shit crazy. Sure signs that the cheese has slid off the cracker are: 1. Bails you up to tell you that you have a firm buttocks, 2. Hits the bottle (at 11am) and gets lippy, 3. Likes to keep sanity away by blowing a daily spliff.
2. She doesn’t believe in exercise
The ‘I don’t need to exercise now that I have a boyfriend’ trick. This is a relationship killer of the highest order and it cuts both ways. Both guys and girls owe it to their partner to look after themselves and live a healthy life. So when she believes running to the pantry to get another helping of ice-cream is exercise, then it’s time for you to go for a run… a long one. (Right now she’s wondering what on earth the girl above is doing)
3. Likes to get drunk and tell you what she really thinks about you
A girl who drinks is great, they let loose and have fun, but a female who gets loaded and get lippy at every opportunity is one for the junk pile. You’ll let subtle quips pass the first few times, but it will soon become an episode of Jersey Shore.
4. She swears like a sailor
There’s nothing wrong with the odd cuss and vent, but when she’s dropping the C-Bomb while saying Grace at Christmas dinner, there’s trouble ahead. If you dream of a life where one day you may meet the Queen then the last thing you need is your girlfriend or wife calling her majesty an‘old mole’.
5. She dreams of never having to work again
Nothing says ‘You’re going to be the bread-winner’ like proclaiming that she cannot wait to give up working and put her feet up. Once she does stop working her days will be filled with lunching, sleeping-in and hassling you to earn more money. Look for ambition, not laziness. We recommend a detour as this one way street has long-term roadworks.
6. Suffers chronic ‘short arm deep pocket syndrome’
We’ve all had this happen. The bill comes and she’s miraculously disappeared to fix her make-up or do a poo. If it’s happening on the first date, it will happen forever. Nothing says run for the hills like a girl who buys clothing without pockets. “Oi! Does this come without pockets?”
7. You have nothing in common with her friends
Choosing someone with nice, normal and sociable friends is paramount. Whether you like it or not you’ll be stuck her friends forever, so either think carefully how you plan on sitting at every social occasion with a shit-eating grin on your face, or pull the ripcord now.
8. She has no issues with public nudity
The one thing that should be sacred in a relationship is what your girlfriend’s breasts look like. Your mates shouldn’t know, so if she’s cool with whipping them out at social gatherings you know you’re in for a turbulent ride. (Props to Wayne with the yellow okanui shorts in the background)
9. Thinks her birthday should be a national holiday
We all like a party but none more than her when it comes to her birthday. She starts by throwing out these wildly OTT gift ideas 6-months prior then plans on taking multiple days off work so she can get off her face with those friends you can’t stand.
10. She smokes like a chimney
Even if it’s Gucci or Chanel, nobody likes kissing an ashtray.
11. She’s friends with ex boyfriends
The old trick of staying close with ex boyfriends. Some guys don’t care (The Duke) and others (like me) think it’s a no no. If she breaks down while talking about how much she misses him, then excuse yourself for a bathroom break, slip out the window and down the drain pipe to freedom.
12. She Loves An EDM Festival
It’s a special kind of girl who frequents Australia’s dance music festivals. They love the pingas, short shorts and muscles. Outfit of choice? Side-boob exposing leotard, kid size denim shorts and a flower crown. She’s fun loving but likely to wear you down through heavy drug use and bad taste in music. She’s one to avoid come summer.
13. She Magically Appears At Your Gym
‘Oh hey! What are you doing here?’ The one woman to avoid has strategically figured out when you work out and plans to be there every day until the end of time. You can either change gyms or just hide in the toilets until closing time.
14. She Doesn’t Like Dogs
Who doesn’t like dogs? That’s just weird. When you see a hound, suggest she goes up and says hello. If she does, she’s a keeper. If not, suggest she pops into 7-Eleven for some milk and run the other way.
15. She Has Bad Taste In Shoes & Handbags
As a magnificent bastard and follower of D’Marge, it’s your job to choose a female partner that understands the difference between Kumfs and Christian Louboutin shoes. The same goes for handbags. If she arrives with a white plastic clutch then you know it’s over before it’s even begun.
16. She Posts Inspirational Quotes On Social Media
Not content with getting on with life and dealing with issues in a passive aggressive way like a normal person, she chooses to waste time posting quotes that nobody gives a fuck about. If you don’t like said quotes she will instantly accuse you of being a communist and try to hang you. #Blessed #Gratitude #Haters
17. She Takes 24-48 Hours To Reply To A Text Message
Funny how some women need to be surgically removed from their smartphones but somehow require 24 hours to reply ‘haha, nice.’ or confirm that she did give you the clap. Often seen as a sign of being too keen, we think it’s just a sign of too many blokes on the go.
18. She Vapes
‘There’s a vaping woman I like the looks of’, said none ever. There’s nothing worse than a douchey girl interchanging her lipstick with an e-ciggy and leaving a big smoke cloud wherever she goes. If you must, go original and suck down a lung buster instead.
19. She Posts LOTS Of Selfies (And Looks Nothing Like Them In Real Life)
The self-gratifying narcissist is alive and well in 2015. When you meet a girl, give her Instagram a quick skim. You’ll be able to understand a lot about her friends, lifestyle and behaviour in about 30 seconds. A couple of selfies is fine (everyone has their good days), but when every second post is a trout pout or mirror selfie, we’re steadily losing interest. Pair said selfie with an inspirational quote and she’s practically advertising insanity.
20. She Owns Ugg Boots
These heinous creatures have no place indoors or out. Be prepared for said Uggs to be claimed to be for indoor purposes only. IT’S A TRAP! They will be worn outside, often and there’s nothing you can do about it. Comfort is, of course, an important factor in footwear selection, but the atrocity of an Ugg is best left for cute kids, they’re really the only ones who can pull them off.
21. She’s Mental
Lastly, and possibly my favourite is the girl whose cheese has slid off her cracker. After the first date she’s already packing an overnight bag and if you take longer than 3 minutes to reply to her messages, she’ll go full blown Liam Neeson on your ass, hunt you down, find you and she WILL kill you.