10 Signs You May Be A Wanker (Second & Final Edition)

After the success of our first edition, we’ve decided to follow up with part two. It seems there were still many wanker habits that needed to be shared with the D’Marge community.

In this edition you’ll find boats, fitness and mobile phone habits that take an average man and propel him into the stratosphere of wankerdom. Enjoy, share and try not to take it too seriously because we’ve all been guilty at some point.

#1 – No “Thank you!” wave when people let you in, in traffic
After much outcry, this wanker sign definitely had to be numero uno. You’re either too cool or just too much of a wanker to give a simple “Thank you!” wave when someone’s been nice enough to oblige your lane-changing needs. This goes for one way streets, too. You, sir, are a wanker.

#2 You insist on talking loudly on the mobile phone in public places
Often seen in restaurants, shops (especially when being served) or on public transport talking on the phone at an unimaginably loud volume. You’re completely unaware that no one wants to hear your conversation and that talking on your phone whilst being served is just rude. In Italy you can be stoned for this.

#3 You’re on a boat and everyone must know this
There’s something about boats and certain men. As soon as they step off dry land, it’s time to take a photo with their posse on the boat. The boat photo is then immediately posted on Facebook or sent to friends who are not lucky enough to be on ze boat.

#4 You flash your black Amex in hope nearby females see it
People who work in hospitality will appreciate this one: the guys who rummage through their wallet only to reveal a black Amex or something similar. It’s all done in hope that those nearby notice it and ask, ‘Why are you so awesome?’.

#5  You only shop at Ralph Lauren
Pink polos, white chinos, lime sweater over the shoulders. Daddy’s boat, Portsea polo, “Honey, where’s my Ralph Lauren Blazer? You know, that one with the big logo on the pocket.” You’re the die-hard pretty guy with the fancy job and want everyone to know it. I’ve just figured it out: you’re Trey from Sex and the City. (Note: We love Ralph Lauren, but not when it’s head to toe.)

#6 You give shout-outs to your B-list homies from semi important locations
You’re hip, you’re happening and right now we’re hating on you. What better way to let your 1,350 Facebook acquaintances know of your constant state of awesomeness than checking in, tagging and shouting out to your peeps, right? “From Airline Business Class Lounge – Yo. Just flying to Sydney, can’t wait to rock out with Old mate Eduardo, Model X and TV Producer/Drug Dealer Friend. #goodtimes”. Next stop…. Ah we don’t care.

#7 You brag about sexual conquests
Need we say more? This one is a sure way to make strangers and new acquaintances think you’re a bell-end. ‘I’ve tapped that’ is not a winning move and should be saved for conversations with close mates behind closed doors.

#8 You do cross-fit
Dear Fad Sports Guy: we love you. Those status updates showing everyone that you’re waging a war on exercise are our favourite. Keep on winning.

#9 You just HAVE to correct people when they’re wrong
You’re the know-it-all guy who has to correct everyone when you happen to call sparkling wine “champagne.” He’s lived a well-rounded life and feels it’s his god-given right to make sure you how wrong you are. About everything. Yes, even those ugly trousers you’re wearing.

#10 You push in at the bar and don’t give a sh*t
Lastly, we have the numerous men who miraculously arrive last and get served first at a bar/nightclub. You know damn well that the little guy and plump girl were there before you, however, you don’t care. Once served, the queue jumper will return to trawling for skank on the dance floor. Deploy nets!

Sign Up For A Daily Dose of D'Marge


Sign up now,
you magnificent bastard.

Access exclusive content, be the first to know about giveaways
and receive news before your mates.