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Women Are Demanding Higher Quality Nudes & It’s Apple’s Fault

“The app is wrong by like 4 inches!”

There have been many upheavals since the industrial revolution: the invention of the car, nuclear proliferation, the dot com bubble, social media monoliths. Nutella. However, the true renaissance began this week, as Apple updated its iphone measuring app, with wide ranging consequences for the world of dic pics.

The new feature, which debuted with iOS 12 on Monday, allows you to measure items on your phone (or ipad) screen in real time. This means that proud penis owners everywhere can now include an exact measurement when sexting. As this comes in the form of a ruler superimposed onto the image, it’s the latest and greatest way to convey size without using other items for scale.

The problem is, women are now demanding a higher standard of nude, so those of us used to talking up our “king pythons” now must admit to having “microscopic caveworms.”

Understandably, some guys now reckon the technological revolution has gone too far.

Others are more positive, and see the new update as a challenge that could bring us all together. Like the Arab Spring. Or something.

Further fears were brought up by tech gurus over at Mashable, who said, “Additionally, the Measure app will probably make dick pics — most of which are already ugly — even uglier.”

“The genre is not exactly famous for its devotion to aesthetics, and it’s likely that senders will interpret the Measure app as an excuse to ignore lighting and composition even more than they already do. After all, who cares about what it looks like as long as it’s longer than average? (The answer: most people.)”

“Perhaps the best course of action,” they conclude, “Is to think of the Measure app as a resource for your sexts, not a whole new frontier.” We don’t know exactly what that means but we know this: the dic pic revolution is here. There will be winners and losers. So snap wisely.

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