As I write this article, Alanis Morissette plays ironically in the background. But I’ve watched enough Sex And The City to be able to guess how to be a man who has his shit together.
I should preface these dot points by saying they are pretty basic, but you might be an alien reading this, who’s trying to get it together, on a human level.
So, here’s some possessions and attributes you should acquire to stay on top of your game.
#1 Own Your Own Bed
It sounds obvious but I’ve been living in Los Angeles on a couch for a while, and although sleeping on a couch has its perks (everyday is breakfast in bed), it makes you look unorganised and poor. I am now living back in Australia and have hopes for my own bed one day.
#2 Maintain A Clean Body
Taking a shower is really easy, and you should use that time to clean your body. As George from MasterChef says, “you eat with your eyes first”. Your aim is to be so clean, George wants to eat you.
#3 Don’t Live With Your Parents
If you are over twenty-five you should probably get your own place. Unless of course you move into a place, and purely by coincidence your new housemate is your Mum…that’s happened to me a couple of times. Small world.
#4 Be The Fly Guy With Wi-Fi
Wi-Fi technically stands for ‘WOW IT’S FAST INTERNET’. And mathematically, the faster your Internet is, the more you’ve got it together.
#5 Know How To Make Yummy Coffee
This is good to know for bisexuals because it impresses men and women equally.
#6 Own Your Own Car
I’ve been hiring a car from a popular rental company. And let me tell you, girls find it bemusing if you’re hiring a car in the city you grew up in.
#7 Ninety-Nine Problems & Money Ain’t One
If you have tonnes of money, then you are good. Don’t worry about reading this. Also email me, firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s catch up.
#8 Learn To Cook One Thing Well
Be able to cook one dish well. My specialty is poached eggs. There’s nothing quite as romantic as breakfast for dinner.
#9 Be A Dad To Something
You must have it together if you are somebody’s Dad? Well, it can be anything, a real life baby, a dog, a cat, or a goldfish. I started with a plant (that I was given last week); apparently if you can keep something alive for more than a month, you have your shit together (this rule does not apply to babies or animals). P.S my plant is dead.
#10 Get A Real Job
It’s usually the first thing someone asks you, so if you can’t be bothered making one up, then get an actual job. Preferably a paying one.
#11 Have Clean Blood
Don’t inject heroin and wear a condom 24 hours a day.
#12 Own A Nice Suit
A nice suit can be worn many different ways as demonstrated by Marge Simpson with her Chanel suit.
#13 Speak Another Language
I can speak English and Australian. “Grouse lippy mate that’s bonza!” is a good sentence to know and shows you are well travelled.
#14 Own A Loyalty Card
Think a Boost Juice card, or a ‘buy 1000 coffees and get one free’ card; this shows dedication and endurance. Being one of the few people who actually claim the loyalty card reward puts you in an elite club.
#15 Practice Good Manners
Go and hire Seasons 1 & 2 of Ladette to Lady.
Wise Man Says…
If you don’t have any of these things, then you need six-pack abs. Actually, six pack abs are all you really need.
Ash Williams is a comedian, writer and host. If you follow his Instagram he’ll promise to like all of your pics.