Some say there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Others say there’s a fine line between pleasure and pain. Outkast say there’s a fine line between love and hate.
In dating there’s another fine line. On one side is confidence. On the other side is arrogance. And in between are a lot of confused men slipping in the wrong direction.
Confidence is hugely overrated when it comes to meeting women. No, that isn’t a typo. Placing too much weight on confidence can be a dangerous, counterproductive thing for a man’s growth. Let me explain.
We tend to assume that people are – or are not – confident. That it’s intrinsic, not learned. A man either has it or he doesn’t, like naturally straight teeth or a genetic predisposition for baldness. We treat confidence as a matter of fate. The lucky ones get a golden ticket to ride the ‘success with ladies’ train. Everyone else gets an excuse to not even try.
What is arguably more attractive than a confident man is a man who is able to muster up the balls to take action even though he is shitting himself. Not only is that a more realistic approach, it’s also more endearing to a lot of ladies.
No One Is Born With Confidence
Confidence is developed. Take everything you’ve heard that says otherwise and chuck it in the bin where it belongs. Sure, it seems that some gents have it from the day they slip from the womb, but in fact their confidence is a combination of upbringing and (likely forgotten) events that were early catalysts for its development.
You weren’t confident your first day at work. You don’t pick up the flute and pipe away like a Grammy winner. Why do we think this area is different?
Personally, I was never confident with women. It took years of approaching to develop it. And that’s the key word here: development. My intention is not to teach guys to get girls and run straight back to their rooms. My goal is to help them DEVELOP into better men.
That’s why cultivating confidence is so important. It’s not about scoring the only 10 in the bar (although that’s a perk). Build enough confidence in one area of your life and it will spill over to all areas. Two birds, one stone. Only way less cute wildlife has to die.
Confidence Has An Evil Cousin
We all have that one relative who makes us wish we could saw a branch off the family tree. For confidence, that familial disappointment is arrogance.
Arrogance comes in two forms.
The first and most common is the classic case of overcompensation. The overcompensator feels painfully average. He believes he isn’t enough as he is, so he feigns what he believes to be strong “confidence”. The more insecure he feels, the more “confidence” he displays. Unfortunately, his strategy backfires for a couple of reasons.
First, due to the general lack of social intelligence that’s characteristic of these gents, he doesn’t realise that he’s penetrated deep into enemy arrogance territory. Second, anyone with a shred of social awareness sees through his act to the scared little lad beneath.
These chaps usually end up dating women with low self-esteem, who either don’t see through the subterfuge or simply decide to tolerate it.
RELATED: 10 Bad Habits Every Man Should Avoid
The second form of arrogance is narcissistic. This clown actually believes he is better than everyone else. Studies show that 1% of the population are psychopaths – so there are, without a doubt, a certain number of guys out there who legitimately think they are God’s gift to mankind.
Also worth a mention are the people who are unfairly labelled as arrogant by stone-throwers. Stone-throwers call others arrogant when what they’re really reacting to is their own insecurities being stirred up by the actions of these people. It’s easier to blame externally than to look internally.
If you have even a hint of success or a “go get ’em” attitude, it’s likely that some will think you’re arrogant. Stone-throwers will not climb the mountain themselves, but they sure as hell don’t want anyone else getting up there either.
How Does This Affect Your Dating Life
Point blank: arrogance attracts crazy women. It doesn’t matter if it’s real narcissistic arrogance or feigned overcompensating arrogance.
Either way, like attracts like. Your bad attitude will draw in women with daddy issues, women who respond to being put down, women who are too dim to see through the crap, women who will burn your cat because you smiled at your neighbour.
RELATED: A Gentleman’s Guide To Bathroom Sex
That’s not to say confidence is bad. It’s a powerful asset, one of the strongest in your personal arsenal, but it needs to be seen for what it is. Confidence is not a magical elixir dished out to a select few. It’s something that ANYONE (yes, even you) can, and should, develop.
Treat confidence like any other skill. Take action. Don’t wait for it. It will come once you start.
Chris Manak is a Professional Dating and Lifestyle Coach who runs Manic Workshops