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How To Date When You’re A Broke Ass Motherf*cker

Put simply, the easiest way to date when you’re broke is to go on The Bachelor. It would be cool bananas for TV Producers to pay for extravagant dates and for you to take all of the credit.

Alas, you’re not The Bachelor. Furthermore, you probably still live with your Mum and haven’t got five bucks to your name…so here’s how to date when you’re a broke ass motherf*cker.

Carry A Hip-Flask

barney

Invariably the biggest expense on a date are the drinks. So batch up some heavy duty rocket fuel and when she goes to the bathroom, take surreptitious swigs like a gentleman. Then when it comes time to pay you can say, “I didn’t drink anything baby, I’m not paying”.

Leave Your Wallet At Home

eats

Literally leave your wallet at home…that way you don’t need to rely on your acting skills. My mate still deliberately leaves his wallet at home on first dates. Amazingly he is still single…he is also 39-years-old and sleeps in his car.

Borrow Cool Date Clothes

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Buying clothes is expensive, so borrow clothes from your friends. Now, don’t borrow all clothes off one friend, divide it between a few friends, taking the best gear they have respectively. As an added bonus, hopefully your friend forgets that he lent you clothes and now his jacket is your brand new jacket.

Become A Competitive Eater

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Some bars have eating challenges. For example, if you drink 5 pints of beer and eat 5 chicken schnitzels in 20 minutes you and your date eat for free. It’s always classy to end a first date with a spew with you holding her hair back.

Start A GoFundMe Campaign

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A crowd funding page for your dating lifestyle sounds like the start of a modern day fairytale. You’re just like the bachelor except you’re not on TV and you’ve got no money. People will donate…hopefully.

DVD Night

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Might be a bit full on for a first date because everyone knows what “DVD night” means, but you’re on a budget and need to save cash. You also don’t have a DVD player. Hashtag winky face.

Photocopy Money

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Although highly illegal, it is also highly effective. If you do this, only go on dates in dark nightclubs. Also photocopy both sides of the paper so the money looks legit. Don’t get greedy and photocopy $50 and $100 notes, rather just do $20s, that way it doesn’t look suss. Who would photocopy a $20 bill? Exactly. That is also your defence if you get taken to court.

Online Dating

mark

Dating purely online is good because it costs practically nothing, it’s bad because when finally arrange to meet her…she will be a dude or a robot. #CatFish

Introduce Your Date To Your Mum

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That way your Mum pays for all food and drink. Plus you get browny points because you introduced her to your Mum.

Go To ‘Lentil As Anything’

lentils1

This is a vegan restaurant where you pay what you think the meal is worth. Now you can see where I’m going here, but whatever you do don’t tell her the premise of the restaurant. Just walk and say “I took care of it”.

Go Camping

vlad

If you’ve watched The Bachelor, girls love camping. But you’re going to have to come up with a bloody good story when she finds out you literally live in a park.

Say That You’re A Modern-day Man

ben

You’re a man who’s all about equality…so the lady should pay.

Go To Events

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Particularly events where you know the lobster and champagne is free…like a wedding. Even if you’re not invited, take her to a wedding. It’s romantic.

Catch The Bus

speed

Now, if your date asks, “why did you turn up on the bus?” Just say you’re catching public transport for a week to raise money for charity.

Get A Credit Card

sam

That’s your money now, you worked hard for it. Then when it comes time to pay your credit card bill, just don’t pay. Pretty simple.

Good luck! Now go and check your Tinder matches or date that Instagram girl you’ve never met.

Ash Williams is a comedian, writer and host. Follow his Instagram @ashwilliams1 if you need a chauffeur to your date.

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