The Playbook For The Modern Man

How To Write An ‘Endearingly Sarcastic’ Tinder Bio That Will Win Any Woman’s Heart

“Looking for someone to awkwardly not watch Netflix with.”

While most modern men realise it’s not a good idea to put your net worth in your Tinder bio, a lot of them struggle with what actually needs to go in there. Unfortunately, most of them sound desperate instead of desirable, lame instead of funny and cynical instead of endearingly sarcastic. That’s if they even bothered to fill the damn thing in.

Strong and silent may work in person — but on the dating app scene a woman wants to know who the heck you are. And as various scientific studies have shown, it’s not a six-pack she’s after so much as a sense of humour.

So throw your dud one-liners in the trash and get reading this list of dating app bio corrections that will take you from zero to in-demand.

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Inspired by today’s viral Reddit thread, “What’s the most pretentious or entitled thing someone can have in their online profile?” (and informed by the wise words of Zoosk and Bustle’s dating experts), these are the worst phrases to put in your dating app bio — and some replacements that will see you showered in heart-eye emojis.

“I probably don’t like you.”

We get it. You’re hard to get. But if you don’t think of a better way to ward off less confident suiters, your inbox (and match list) will end up being one giant pile of Society’s Most Arrogant.

Or, if someone ‘normal’ tries to approach you, they will try too hard to impress, succumbing to your original statement, in which case no one wins.

A good alternative? Try: “I probably don’t like you, but I’m a sucker for an emoji-free icebreaker.”

“I don’t message first.”

No matter how good looking you are, having “I don’t message first” in your bio makes you arrogant and liable to be approached only by those who lack self-respect, and passed over by more suitable suitors.

The alternative? Try, “Message first at own risk.”

“Aquarius.”

Unless you recently moved to Byron Bay this is unnecessary information. Make like a painful appendix and get rid of it.

Alternative? “Proud Gemini” — if your potential date doesn’t get the sarcasm they weren’t worthy anyway.

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“Fluent In Sarcasm.”

If you need to tell me you are fluent in sarcasm you probably aren’t. Or, as one Reddit user says, “People want to think of themselves as belonging to ‘team’ something-or-other, some above-average quality.”

“Sarcasm almost never means ‘dry sense of humor’ in this context. Rather, it’s aspiring to some kind of worldly sophistication. Being ‘fluent in sarcasm’ means they’re not a sucker… or so the underlying assumption goes.”

“This why you get dating profiles that proclaim the writer is ‘fluent in sarcasm’ with no actual sarcasm in evidence. Easier to say you’re on ‘team sarcasm’ than to actually be sarcastic about anything.”

The alternative? Actually say something sarcastic. “I deal with criticism reallllly well.”

“Send me 5 dollars, see what happens.”

If a guy or gal puts their PayPal, ApplePay, Venmo deets or a link to their Amazon wish list in their bio this should be a major warning sign.

The alternative? Get a job. Or, if you only accept dates from people prepared to pay for your number, expect some weird dates.

“Check out my Insta account — @surferbabe2000.”

If their profile links to their IG then the sole purpose of the dating profile is to drive traffic there. Either that or they are an extreme narcissist.

To show there could be more to you than mirror selfies and a pyramid scheme, try: “My Insta stories are the best.”

“Always the smartest person in the room.”

The smartest person in the room never brags about it. Plus, if you’re really smart you’ll realise how little you know.

Need another option to highlight your ‘intelligence’? Try, “Just looking for someone to listen to Mozart with,” or “Sapiosexual.”

“I don’t speak broke sorry.”

Insensitive, rude, cruel, inappropriate and… kind of hilarious. But you will end up attracting private school toffs who know their way around a blazer and little else.

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Alternative? “Chianti 2013 or gtfo.”

“I’m not like most guys.”

Yawn. Try: “Stock standard 20 y.o quarter life cris-ee. Looking for someone to share my deadening existential angst and awkwardly not watch Netflix with.”

“Entrepreneur Executive High On Life.”

Yikes. For something less LinkedIn-y have a go at, “I got 99 problems but free time ain’t one.”

“My friends tell me I’m funny.”

“My crippling social anxiety is occasionally hilarious” is a bit much for a dating app. If you really are funny, try making a joke. We are hardly comedians ourselves, but try something like, “I may be bad at writing profiles, but I’m worse at kissing.” It shows them you are capable of self-reflection and gets them thinking about kissing.

“Denmark, Sweden, Australia, Cameroon, Thailand, Japan, and many more.”

We get it: you have a passport and a wealthy upbringing. But this isn’t Tumblr. Try: “I never have sex on the first date.” It has nothing to do with ‘travel’ but it gets them thinking and thinking and thinking about what you never do.

“Outspoken, opinionated and I make no apologies for it! Not for the faint of heart!”

No known remedy. Avoid at all costs. Scrub from your eyes with digital flames.

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