The Playbook For The Modern Man

I Finally Got Over My Instagram Crush; Here’s How I Did It

Hard work.

Instagram isn’t short of ~sexy~. The social media platform thrives off photogenic accounts and provides a stable place for those better looking (and, you know, more creative and entrepreneurial) than myself to make a career.

Those at the heart of the influenza influencer pandemic know all too well there are users out there – myself included – that love to populate their own personal feeds with aspirational images. Whether it’s a bikini pic or a shoot at a landmark location, the onslaught of ‘thirst trap’ images is neverending.

For the uninitiated, a ‘thirst trap’ is defined by Dictionary.com as “a sexy photo posted on social media to attract attention.”

As we’ve seen before, it can get us in trouble with our better halves – whether it be for following other accounts or sliding into their DM’s – but the first step to overcoming an addiction problem is to admit it. And so here I am, declaring mine.

By the way, despite the feature image of this article, I have still yet to break out of my Eugenie Bouchard ‘thirst trap’. I don’t think I’ll ever break out of that one.

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Back to the topic at hand and breaking out of my other thirst traps. That step technically came about a week ago, and in the days since I’ve managed to resolve my issues, break free from the thirst trapping world – get over my Instagram crush – and am now in a position to share my wisdom.

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My secret to breaking out of Instagram ‘thirst traps’? Don’t surreptitiously watch their stories; actually follow your crush.

Hear me out.

Most of the accounts I’ve found myself looking at have come as a result of scrolling through the ‘Discover’ tab of Instagram. It’s here you’ll find images based on other accounts you follow, content Instagram thinks you’ll like and accounts your friends follow. It’s not uncommon, then, to be presented with several images of attractive men or women, usually accompanied by some sort of inspirational quote.

And this is how I was able to hit the nail on the head. Once I started following accounts of individuals that caught my eye, I noticed an alarming trend: they all like to overuse inspirational quotes.

These quotes are more absurd than a work of French existential literature; they rarely accompany the image in question – “stay safe loves” accompanied by an image of a girl in the desert – and perhaps this is the cynic in me, but they come across as though they’ve just been picked out of a hat at random.

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Let me provide some examples.

If it’s not an inspirational quote, it’s trying to sell something, along with a candid-not-candid image.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Sabina Kontor (@sabikontor) on

You’re telling me Sabina actually drank the cool aid Bang Energy drink? Sure.

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It’s amazing how Jayde is able to cook gnocchi without being anywhere near the stovetop.

 

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Don’t let nobody get you out of your peace ✌🏻💕

A post shared by Veronica Bielik (@veronicabielik) on

Ah, the old double negative. It’s great to see. Fortunately, Veronica knows how to avert our gaze away from her grammatical error.

It’s not just chicas. Male influencers and models are just as responsible for thirst trapping millions of Instagram users with jawlines and perfectly styled hair. Paper Magazine has documented a few of them here.

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Cheeseball

A post shared by Chad White (@chadwhite21) on

After realising how delusional some Insta models can be, I found it far easier to press the ‘unfollow’ button, enabling me to get over my many virtual crushes – except Eugenie Bouchard, I’ll never get over her – and focus on finding someone who’s into picky Grammar Nazis instead (wish me luck!).

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