Are you in the habit of eating two minute noodles every night? Is your “wardrobe” a crumpled pile of pit-stained shirts? Do you not own an umbrella? Are your dates mysteriously disappearing when you try to organise a second rendez vous?
If you said no to all those questions, congratulations! You’re either a competent man, or a liar. If you answered in the affirmative, however, it’s time we had a little talk. And no, we don’t mean a stuffy ‘pick yourself up by your bootstraps’ kind of talk.
No. For now we’re going to forget the serious advice of the Jordan Peterson’s of the world, and seek council from a true paragon of wisdom. A profession renowned for it’s straight edge, on the ball, “I’ve got my shit together” type individuals.
That’s right: we’re talking about comedians.
Luckily for those of us who dare not look at our bank account, don’t know how to iron a shirt and have such pathetic love lives that we claim to be on Tinder ‘ironically,’ there is a solution to not having your shit together that doesn’t involve actually getting your shit together.
We got on the blower with professional comedian Ash Williams, to ask for some 100% serious “possessions and attributes” you should acquire to win at ~life~. Here’s what he had to say.
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Own Your Own Bed
It sounds obvious, but I’ve been living in Los Angeles on a couch for a while, and although sleeping on a couch has its perks (everyday is breakfast in bed), it makes you look unorganised and poor.
“I am now living back in Australia and have hopes for my own bed one day…”
Maintain A Clean Body
Taking a shower is really easy, and you should use that time to clean your body. As George from MasterChef says, “You eat with your eyes first”. Your aim is to be so clean, George wants to eat you. That or just washed enough that you don’t physically repeal potential suitors from a rooms length…
Don’t Live With Your Parents
If you are over twenty-five, you should probably get your own place. Unless of course you move into a place, and purely by coincidence your new housemate is your Mum…that’s happened to me a couple of times. Small world.
Be The Fly Guy With Wi-Fi
Wi-Fi technically stands for ‘WOW IT’S FAST INTERNET’. And mathematically, the faster your Internet is, the more you’ve got it together. #Winning. Alternatively, just figure out your neighbour’s Wi-Fi password, and you’re sorted.
Know How To Make Yummy Coffee
This is good to know for bisexuals because it impresses men and women equally. And without caffeine how would be able to write unsolicited advice for our internet brethren?
Own Your Own Car
I’ve been hiring a car from a popular rental company. And let me tell you, girls find it weird if you’re hiring a car in the city you grew up in. Funny? Certainly. Impressive? Not so much.
Ninety-Nine Problems & Money Ain’t One
If you have tonnes of money, then you’re all good. Don’t worry about reading this. Also email me, firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s catch up.
Learn To Cook One Thing Well
Be able to cook one dish well. My specialty is poached eggs. There’s nothing quite as romantic as breakfast for dinner.
Be A Dad To Something
You must have it together if you are somebody’s Dad? Well, it can be anything, a real life baby, a dog, a cat, or a goldfish. I started with a plant (that I was given last week); apparently if you can keep something alive for more than a month, you have your shit together (this rule does not apply to babies or animals). P.S my plant is dead.
Get A Real Job
It’s usually the first thing someone asks you, so if you can’t be bothered making one up, then get an actual job. Preferably a paying one.
Own A Nice Suit
A nice suit can be worn in many different ways, as demonstrated by Marge Simpson with her Chanel suit.
Speak Another Language
I can speak English and Australian. “Grouse lippy mate that’s bonza!” is a good sentence to know and shows you are well travelled.
Own A Loyalty Card
Think a Boost Juice card, or a ‘buy 1000 coffees and get one free’ card; this shows dedication and endurance. Being one of the few people who actually claim the loyalty card reward puts you in an elite club.
If you don’t have any of these things, then you need six-pack abs. Actually, six pack abs are all you really need.
Ash Williams is a comedian, writer and host. If you follow his Instagram he’ll promise to like all of your pics.