From sex apps to kegel workouts the internet is full of ‘quick fixes’ promising you a hotter session between the sheets.
There are only so many hip thrust routines you can try, however, before you start to wonder what you’re doing with your life.
Fortunately, a recent conversation with Samantha X, Australia’s most high profile escort, helped us realise that there’s a whole lot more to sex than your pelvis.
“Clients tend to seek emotional connection more than anything else. Sex is sex is sex. You can get $50 hand jobs, call an ex or fuck buddy, or DIY in the shower. But the clients I attract are after something far deeper, more so on a spiritual level.”
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This is Mark. Mark is one of my clothes ON clients. We spend the hour talking- well, he does the talking, I do the listening. At 43, Mark has never had a girlfriend. His only brush with women was being scammed for $5,000 on a dating website. He doesn’t have many friends, has suffered depression and anxiety all of his life. He was bullied from primary school onwards and from every single job he’s managed to hold down. So what has made Mark happy recently? Going to a burger joint with another escort. “It made me feel for just a bit like I had a proper girlfriend. Plus the burger was flame-grilled. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.” #gentleman #simplelife #kindness #mentalhealth
“Men are far more sensitive than women think,” she added, “and have just as many needs as women do, they just don’t talk about it.”
“Men need to work on not feeling ashamed or embarrassed of their feelings and having emotional needs. It’s not weak, or pussy, or less manly if they need to talk.”
“I see so many men struggle to open up,” Samantha told us, “When I know they are desperate to, but they don’t want to come across as whinging or boring or pathetic.”
If this sounds familiar — and you want to have better sex — then try to rid yourself of that stereotype because, according to Samantha, one of the sexiest things a man can do is “express (his) feelings, name them and deal with them.”
“So many men refuse to see counsellors for fear of ‘being judged’ yet they’re quite happy to talk to a woman in her lingerie!”
So: how exactly can a guy improve his emotional intuition?
“Practice makes perfect! Get used to expressing yourself. Stop worrying what ‘people think.’ Try saying how you feel about something and you will notice a shift, a weight being released.”
Even if you don’t magically fix every issue, if you talk to someone you trust, “Soon you will realise your feelings do matter and it is OK to express them.” Then, the more you open up, “the more others will open up around you” — and this goes for the bedroom too.
“I’ve been with men who go through the physical act of sex and then ask ‘was that OK, did you like that?’ Of course I’m far too polite to say anything but ‘of course,’ but guys: have this conversation before it’s all over!”
And, although you need to pay attention to non-verbal cues as well, Samantha says one of the best ways to develop an emotional connection is to always ask your partner if there is anything they like or don’t like between the sheets.
“No one is a mind reader.”
“Be open and honest! Communication is key. If you’re with someone you are embarrassed to ask, then my question is: should you be in bed with them?”
“My emotional intuition,” Samantha adds, “Is the thing that saves my life in my role as an escort and as a woman.”
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“I need to be able to read signals and interpret speech and body language… I know if someone is uncomfortable or nervous, even though they are acting tough, and I like to think I can spot a dickhead a mile away.”
“I’ve learnt rudeness is often a mask for fear. You need to be empathetic and have compassion as an escort; you certainly don’t do this job for the sex.”
The biggest takeaway? If you want to take your bedroom sessions to the next level — whether it’s with a long term partner or something more casual — go back to basics, communicate your emotions, and — for the love of sex — forget about the kegel exercises and pelvic thrust routines…