The People’s Republic of Hookturnistan (better known as Melbourne) is no stranger to weird and wacky real estate listings. Take this ‘cloud chamber‘ that comes with a free Porsche, or this Anchorman-tier pied-à-terre in Toorak.
But this apartment might just take the title of the tackiest property on sale in the country. 270A Punt Road in Melbourne’s prestigious South Yarra neighbourhood looks positively normal from the outside – sleek, modern, stylish – but once you cross the threshold you realise just how odd this place is.
The indoor pool area is perhaps the oddest room in the house, its walls flanked by ultra-detailed mosaics of Terracotta Warriors. We can’t imagine how many man-hours it would have taken to complete such a complex set of feature walls – you’d virtually need your own Terracotta Army – but the impressiveness of the art is somewhat diminished by the voyeuristic nature of these wall-length warriors.
The voyeuristic theme of the indoor pool room is continued upstairs. The first floor houses two large bedrooms, each with their own sumptuous bathrooms – both featuring similarly detailed mosaics of Roman statues decorating the shower walls. While the swooning female sculpture that adorns one of the bathrooms isn’t particularly intimidating, the intense stare of the male sculpture that decorates the other is a bit intense. Especially considering his gaze is directed right at the toilet.
There’s also an outdoor pool, which features “one of the largest outdoor commercial television screens seen in a private residence” according to selling agent Anton Wongtrakun of Dingle Partners. It’s a lavish touch emblematic of the ‘no expenses spared’ theme of 270A Punt Road, which features other gimmicks like a remote-controlled marble benchtop that is motorized to adjust for height in the kitchen, a glass-walled two-car garage, luxe rooftop terrace and a master bathroom that’s straight out of an 80s cocaine fever dream.
Perhaps the funniest feature in the house is the dedicated yoga room, with floor-to-ceiling mirrors so you can admire your own downward dogs – that’s just peak Melbourne.
Aside from the numerous mosaics, the other key architectural element of this house is the enormous amount of marble. Virtually every room features glass, mirrors and marble, polished to an insane sheen. It’s almost a bit austere – you’d hope some of the rooms have underfloor heating, or you’d want to cover the place in rugs and carpets. On a cold, wet day, you’d slide and break your back.
You’ll need to dish out at least $8 million if you want to be the next owner of 270A Punt Road. A steep price for sure, but can you really put a price on living like a Grand Theft Auto V character?
Check out this kitsch little cubbyhole on realestate.com.au… if you’re brave enough.