While it’s been extensively reported that men can be pricks, what you may not also have so front of mind is that guys, too, can be made to ‘feel small,’ by insensitive comments in the bedroom. For centuries, men have been required to give off a macho persona, one that can never be dented and that is immune to feelings (so the damaging stereotype goes). And no matter how many times we repeat to ourselves “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” truth is, some comments really can hit us right where it hurts.
Which is why, when a recent TikTok video caught the internet’s attention, it made such waves.
Posted by TikTok account and podcast Bloody Brilliant Beers, the video shows one Australian man phoning into the podcast to ask: “What’s the most degrading thing you’ve ever heard in the bedroom?”
Before the podcast hosts can chime in, the caller says he’ll go first. “She said to me, is that it?” – in reference to the size of his manhood.
Trying to make light of the situation, he continued, “I don’t know what she wanted me to say, because that was it.” But, while the podcast hosts may have laughed about the situation, it’s a rude enough comments to give any Small Penis Carrier a case of the willies…
The TikTok video has received hundreds of comments, from both men and women, with many girls adding their own versions of similar comments they’ve made (to men). These include, “you’re kidding me”, “is it in yet?” and “my ex was bigger.”
It also appears that women find it quite funny to make such comments, with one female user adding, “She’s a QUEEN.”
The reality is, having comments such as these said to you, especially if you’re already feeling anxious, or having insecure thoughts about your body, only for them to be confirmed, can really hurt a guy’s feelings.
So, if you’re faced with such a situation, how should you respond? DMARGE reached out to both relationship expert Samantha Jayne, and men’s relationship coach and founder of School of Attraction, Damien Diecke, to hear their thoughts.
Damien said there was an element of double standards about it, telling DMARGE: “I’ve always compared women talking about men’s penis size to men talking about women’s weight. It hits at the heart of intense social judgement and shame.”
Both agree that the guy should immediately leave the girl.
“What a terrible comment, GET RID OF THAT GIRL!!”, says Samantha, “I think it’s important for a man to use that type of comment as a filter and a huge red flag.”
Damien echoes her comments, “If a woman would make fun of your size or look at you with ridicule or disdain, she should be off the books instantly. It’s rude, inconsiderate and immature. With a pun intended, this kind of behaviour is ‘just the tip’ of her personality issues.”
Both also agree that the guy should respond from a place of confidence, although admit this could be hard to do in the height of the situation.
“In an ideal world, when a woman says ‘is that it?’ to you, you would respond in one of 2 ways,” Damien relates.
“Instead of lashing out angrily from a place of shame, or cowering in shame silently, call her out on the behaviour, ‘You know, that’s a really hurtful thing to say to someone, many men are very insecure about their size. When you say things like that, you make men angry at women and perpetuate a cycle of disrespect between the genders.”
“Or, you could could be confident and playing about it, ‘Oh my dear, you haven’t seen what my tongue can do yet’, with a cheeky grin. But when you’re feeling shame and insecurity, I understand this is hard to accomplish.”
Samantha adds, “You could use humour, ‘haha I was thinking the same thing but I didn’t want to be rude about your…(insert comment), and point out some of her imperfections, but realistically, that is just playing her own game, even though she might deserve to be taken down a peg or two.”
“What I would recommend in that instance is the guy walk her out of the house, or if he is at hers, leave immediately. She won’t expect that, and you deserve better.”
“What truly makes a person attractive is how they make you feel. Sticking around with someone who cuts hard at your expense is a nightmare and could seriously impact your self-confidence.”
Damien and Samantha also both agree that it’s perfectly normal to feel insecure, especially in today’s world where we are constantly flooded with content on social media that gives off the idea that bigger is better.
“Unfortunately with social media, we can live in a distorted reality,” says Samantha. “Look at the filters: you can make yourself smaller, taller, more attractive, but it’s not real.”
“If you feel insecure about anything just know that it’s normal. Everyone, even the most confident, attractive, successful person has their moment. Stop focusing on what makes you feel bad, such as your insecurities, and focus on what makes you feel good.”
“So what if you’re not built like a porn star, not everyone is looking for that.”
Indeed, Damien adds, “I think it’s important for men to realise that very few women will respond this way. I’ve spoken to a lot of women about their thoughts on penis size, and preferences vary wildy. While there are those who prefer bigger, some don’t because it’s uncomfortable, but for many men, the largest category of all is women who really don’t mind particularly, so much as long as he’s a considerate lover.”
“Almost every woman I’ve spoken to has been in a relationship with a guy with a small penis size. It’s not something that will make most women refuse to date. Men should think of it like breast size or bum size, sure, you have your preferences, but if you look at who you actually flirt with and date, you’ll often sacrifice on the sizes so long as she has traits that are sexy to you. For most women, it’s the same with penis size.”
Damien goes on to say, “The hardest but most powerful thing a man can do is own his size.”
“Men often hate this idea, but if you have halfway decent friends, start by talking to them, talk to trusted people about it when it comes up. The more you talk about your ‘shame’ to people, the loess power your shame will have over you.”
“The men I know who have done this, would still rather they were larger, but they longer feel the intense shame that many men walk around with. That means that even the rudest of women can’t hurt him nearly as badly as they previously could have done.”
Samantha agrees, “What you can control and master that can help boost your confidence? Maybe you’re an incredible kisser or passionate and know exactly how to make her feel warm and tingly just by your gaze, touch or words. There are so many things you can do, learn the art of seduction, NLP suggestive languages that drive her crazy.”